One step closer to becoming me

best laid plans

2011-09-20T16:21:00.003-07:00

i should have know, but really how could i have known???

i never should have started my journey to #5 posts until i knew for sure that i was out of the woods. first of all let me introduce my sweet little buddy Ashton. Ashton was born july 24th and was 8 lbs. 1 oz. he's just over 9 weeks old at this point and is SO loved by his family. he has had some tummy trouble so he's been kinda sad. he has also been quite sick and had at least one dr. visit a week since he was 2 weeks old. SAD!!!!

every time i have a baby i know to expect a little postpartum depression. with tristan it was pretty bad and with the 3 girls it was more like the baby blues and was gone in a few weeks. this time as i sat in the hospital on the 3rd day (i was getting ready to be released) i could feel that darkness start to set in. it was too early, i hand never experienced that so soon, usually it started a few days after i got home from the hospital and it was rolling in fast and furious. it wasn't long before i started to feel desperate for a normal existence something, anything that felt familiar or normal. i cried hard and i cried for a long time and i wondered how a pain like this could stop. a couple of long weeks after that i could feel myself healing...i was getting better. i started to feel happiness seep into my soul and for that i couldn't have been more grateful.

i had about 3 weeks where i felt "normal" i guess as normal as one could feel while dealing with the demands of a new born and an almost 3 year old but it was good i tell ya. my relationships with the people in my life felt better and less forced and i was so glad for that. just over a week ago something broke inside of me, something big, something that makes me who i am! AND IT HURTS!!!!! it hurts like nothing i have ever experienced. it's like all of the hurts from over the years never healed and piled one on top of the other like they're waiting in line to be dealt with. FYI i am NOT equipped to deal with you!!!!

i have moments that feel normal but they are very brief and i cry when they disappear because i'm afraid that it'll never come back. i am being suffocated by depression...it's bad and lonely and scarier than anything i have had to go through because it has control over me. i'm missing things, moments that are precious and that i can never get back. i don't want to miss out but i can't make myself be apart of it all. i am a spectator of everything that is happening and i should be a player.

i know that this will get better and that i'll be able to look back on this time and be grateful that i survived but i wish that that alone could bring me hope. the truth is that i don't see and end in sight and i would give anything to see an end. this hurts and i'm afraid of losing the people in my life that i need the most, i hope that they can be patient long enough for me to heal.

please be patient?

p.s. i'm getting help and if you're suffering too so should you!

also if you see me posting on my journey to #5 chances are i'm feeling better. :)

journey to #5 part 1

2011-07-31T15:04:00.006-07:00

it was christmas time just after i turned 26 when i realized that something was wrong with my body. i was on my feet all day on a saturday doing my holiday baking, something that i get so excited to do (and now my kids get excited with me). on sunday...the one before chirstmas, i woke up and felt a little strange (saving some details that not everyone would love to know) i had a solo in sacrament meeting, i also was singing in a trio and with the choir. i felt like i could do it so i got ready and was off to church with my husband and 2 babies. after my solo i realized i might not be ok, i started to get lightheaded so i decided that i would sing the trio and the choir didn't really need me anyway so i would just leave. my mom was there so i asked her to take me to the ER. after being check out out they gave a tentative diagnosis and ordered me to go see my OB.

within the next week i picked an new ob and when he checked me he confirmed the diagnosis...i had a uterine prolapse. he counceled me to have a hysterectomy????? i was completely confused and so sad. while i was there his wife and FOUR kids came to see him. i got sick to my stomach when i thought of my 2 children and the siblings that they would miss out on if i followed his advice. i was physicaly uncomfortable but aren't we all a little in one way or another as mothers? i didn't think i was the best mom but i knew that there were more children who chose me and were waiting to be a part of this crazy family for a tough journey and they knew it and they were ready. I WENT ON THE HUNT FOR A NEW OB!!!!

Life

2011-07-02T12:10:00.009-07:00

here's me and my family! i got up to 250 lbs. while i was pregnant with addie. i lost a little bit of weight and started to pack it back on due to...well, you read it in my last post. that's a chubby lady right there.

here i am just 5 lbs away from the final 45 lbs. that i lost before the BIG surprise! i still had 15 lbs. to go to get to my goal!

just a few thought before i continue...
it would be awesome if i had more of an interest in my blog. i know i really need to keep this thing up especially since addie has gotten the shaft in the "life recording department" and with baby ashton due to arrive in 3 weeks i really need to do better...they are so worth it and you know what, so am i. my brain isn't as sharp as it used to be and i forget important things all the time. i don't want to forget these exhausting and amazing days that are whizzing by.
so here is what happened after i lost 45 lbs. this is me at 17 weeks. at about 14 weeks the nausea subsided and i felt really great. not something that i had experienced with my two previous pregnancies. i was miserable from start to finish with those two little girls.

this is 25 weeks, just woke up from my sunday after church nap...not lookin too hot so just look at the belly. still feeling great though, i was even able to take the kids to the lake ALL BY MYSELF. that was so amazing for me considering how sick i had been with the last two. i was SO proud of myself and i felt like a real mom who can do stuff! :)

this is 28 weeks! not yet uncomfortable and so excited to finally be in my third trimester.
we found out at 19 weeks that we are having a baby boy. we are naming him ashton james. to say that we were excited to find out that he was a boy would be the understatement of the century. there really are no words to describe the explosion that went off in my chest when the announcement was made. another baby boy to squeeze and kiss. i can't wait to meet this special little boy.

33 weeks!!!!!! i wish i could still report that i feel great but the truth of the matter is i am miserable!!!! about 2 weeks before this picture i started feeling awful and started having anxiety attacks and i mean physically painful anxiety. i'd like to pinpoint exactly what triggered it in this pregnancy but there was so much all at once that it would be impossible to. i have at least 4 a day and they are debilitating. i'm not much of a mom these days and that in itself causes harm to me. it's summer and the kids are home and they need activity and they need ME! jeff no longer works from home so he's not here to be the buffer that i desperately need.

i'm 36 weeks now and being induced in 3 weeks. we all (even the kids) know that this difficult time is almost over and we are hanging in there. i also was diagnosed with gestational diabetes which i know contributes to some of the physical discomfort.
all in all friends this pregnancy has been AMAZING and even though i have suffered for the last month or so i really have been so blessed with the best attitude (mostly) toward the trials that i have been faced with. this boy is a gift to me, a gift like nothing i have ever received, he is special and was meant to be a benintendi.
i can't wait to share Ashton's story...super soon i promise! :)

the truth of the matter

2010-12-31T09:10:00.012-07:00

here's an old post from december that i never shared! hmmm! my my my how life has changed since then.

you can always count on me to tell you all of the things you never wanted to know. :)

this is me a couple of months ago (4 lbs lighter than now) i like this person. not just because she looks better and feels better but because of all of the hardships in life that have "refined" her and followed her to this place.

this is me in february of 2010. life had been hard and at times extremely unfair and out of my control. this woman ate because it was one of the only places that joy could be found.

when things became safe in my life i was able to address the fact that the thing that i thought was bringing me joy was actually making me fat and uncomfortable

i've learned that for me when life is hard i need to focus on the the things that i know have to be fixed for life to go on and neglect the rest. well trust me when i say that my weight wasn't even a problem compared to the termoil that i was in. life is not without it's trials today but i am happy to report that my 45 lb. weightloss is proof that my life was free of termoil and i was able to recocognize joy in many other places in my life. i have felt amazing and so in control of me. my life is a much happier place.

WAY too early morning thoughts

2010-06-18T04:08:00.004-07:00

i haven't been able to sleep for DAYS! i am so frustrated i don't know what to do with myself. it's 4 am and i have been awake for over an hour. usually when i'm awake it's because i can't turn my brain off and i'm thinking about things that are upsetting. well this time i'm awake for other reasons and my brain is thinking about my sweet kids...who they are and who they're becoming. there are things that i want to remember, things that i put on facebook. at this point facebook doesn't have a way of printing out my status' so about a month or 2 ago i went back quite a bit (they don't make that easy either) and copy and pasted all of the things that i said about my kids or my husband or just the things that i always want to remember. i'm not sad that i put those things on facebook, (even though it has been work to retrieve that stuff)even if i was blogging regularly i don't think that i would log into my blogger account every time the kids said or did something funny and i'm garbage at writing that stuff down.

here are some things that facebook doesn't know:

tristan is turning 11 tomorrow!!!! i can't believe that it's been 11 years since my sweet boy made me a mommy. he is so great! i haven't always felt exactly that way. he is a lot like me and it's never an easy thing to have two of the same people living under one roof. he is so funny and has us laughing all the time. he is maturing in ways that i love and appreciate. i love that we can talk about things freely and comfortably. he is so talented! his dad bought an electric guitar and an amp for his fathers day/birthday and he is teaching him to play. he picks up on music SO FAST! tristan has really taken an interest in ventriloquism. he's getting a 30 in. puppet for his birthday and he knows it, he is so excited...he's good you guys, REALLY good! i know that in just a few short years this boy will become a teenager and not be the cutest but for now i like who he is and that he still lets me love him.

jenna has always been a bit reserved but has really come out of her shell in the last year or so. she is so funny a witty, i love a quick witt. the other day we were in the pool and out of nowhere she said "nice leg warmers mom" now i admit, i hadn't shaved my legs in a month so it was pretty nasty but she came up with it so fast and i couldn't stop laughing. she has LONG, THICK, BEAUTIFUL hair that her 9 year old abilities can't take care of so she is ready to chop it off and donate it. anyone would be lucky to have her hair. i will post pictures when we cut it so you can see what i mean. she is such a great artist, she really produces some beautiful work. she is an AMAZING big sister to addie, i call her the sissy mommy because she just loves on her and takes such good care of her when she is in her care. i love her sweet disposition...really i just love her.

tatum loves to sing and dance, she's good at both! she has a knack for sitting down at the piano and teaching herself how to play a song that she loves...this girl has been doing this since she was 4! it is still always a fun surprise when she does it. sometimes i forget how talented she can be. she is a MAJOR daddy's girl which causes quite a commotion around here in a hundred thousand ways and i don't see that changing any time soon. tatum is also super funny, i guess all of my kids are really. while we were at outback for dinner last night addie put some of their bread in her mouth (it's dark brown) and then put her pacifier in on top of it and the bread was hanging out of her mouth. to that tatum announces, "addie's pooping out of her mouth!" jeff got a picture on his phone and if i remember i will post it here. only one of my kids would even consider saying something like that. her brain is for sure a special one. i love her spunk but not her sass. she has everyone around here afraid of her. her and tristan were having a bit of an encounter and tristan took off up the stairs. she yelled up at him, "yeah, you better run!" i wanted to punish her but jeff and i just laid in our bed and laughed. SO funny!

addie is such a special girl. her favorite things are cheese and ice, she LOVES to drink water and if i could type out the sound that she makes when she is thirsty i would because it is to die for cute. there aren't many thing that aren't cute about that girl. she is so squish and i can't get enough of her goodness. i want her to stay small for a little longer. she keeps growing out of things and i just want to stand still in time for little while with her RIGHT NOW! she is so fun! she says so many words and is SO SMART! i always think my kids are smart but this one is learning so quickly that it absolutely blows my mind. i love the way she smells when she wakes up! if i could bottle that scent i would. she loves me and i know it, i'm pretty sure she knows how crazy i am about her. i just can't get enough! i LOVE my little miss addie!

as much as being awake at this time is AWFUL reflecting on these things and putting them to words was AWESOME!

things are changing around here

2010-05-13T08:20:00.002-07:00

yesterday i took the plunge...i told my boy about the birds and the bee's. tristan has know things about our amazing bodies since i was pregnant with addie and over the last couple of years he has asked MANY questions and i had decided long ago that i would would be as honest with my kids as i possibly could about the matters of life.

i remember how it made me feel to start my period and not really know what was happening. i remember hearing about "sex" from the kids at school and pretending like i knew what they were talking about and feeling YUCK about what i had heard. on a side note this is how my mom found out when she was a girl...all on her own, so in her defence letting me figure it out on my own was what she thought was ok to do. i knew that i didn't want that for my kids. i want my kids to be armed with this information. i want them to know that heavenly father created us and planed this whole thing out and that's it's not gross or dirty, that it's such an inspired plan. i don't want ideas swimming around in their little heads. I WANT THEM TO KNOW!!!! and i want to be the one to tell them.

it was a great experience and he said some really cute and some REALLY hilarious things. my favorite thing that he said that i just knew that i need to document was:

THERE ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL ABOUT HE THINGS THAT YOU JUST TOLD ME!

he looked me straight in the face and said it so slow and steady and it made me smile because i knew exactly how he felt but i took comfort in knowing that he was in the safest place to learn such a sacred lesson and now he knows. he knows how babies are made but most importantly he learned it from me.

look at it before you throw it in the trash

2010-04-06T09:08:00.005-07:00

when i clean my house i NEVER just throw papers away! i ALWAYS pick them up and have a look because i never know what treasures i'll find.

just look at this one! when i read it i laughed out loud all by myself...i couldn't help it!

if you can't read it this is what it says.

Luck

U nork

Cool

Kaden

Yung

i was laughing so hard at U nork...U nork!!!!!! hahaha! in case you didn't get what that was it was New York!

if i had thrown that away i would have missed out on a good laugh and my daughter would think that that is how you say it/spell it. now all i have to do is remember to fix her when she gets home from school today. :)

gale force winds

2010-03-09T12:50:00.004-07:00

i don't have a single picture but i have to share the events of this day.

i got my kids off to school and jeff and i set out on a walk together. we just started to do this and i'm so excited to have this time alone with him to talk about our lives and just things, things that make up us, who we were, who we are and who we are trying so hard to become.

after our walk tatum came home from school excited to fly her new kite. we waited around a bit and got a little bit of a breeze. we weren't able to get much action out of that kite but it was still fun to be outside together.

jeff noticed that there was a bit of wind so i scooped up the baby and we all ran outside to give it another try. the kite was four feet off the ground and addie pulled her pacifier out and screamed WOW, WOW, WOW, over and over again. we love to see our baby so excited. for about 10 min we watched as the kite went up and down up and down but never really went anywhere. i was getting ready to throw the kite into the air and a BIG gust of wind came and pulled it up in the air. we were all so excited. the girls and i were laughing and screaming and jumping around when the wind got stronger...i noticed that it looked like the baby was getting blown away so i ran to her to pick her little body up. tatum was still chasing the kite that jeff was struggling to keep control over. i was laughing SO HARD because it was COMPLETELY out of control, about to wrap it's self around power lines and poles, pulling jeff all over. it began to rain and then the hail came. i was trying to help jeff with the kite when i noticed that tatum was being blown across the street and having a hard time staying on her feet. i have to admit that the wind was a bit scary. i was cracking up watching jeff run back to the house. he was getting pelted by the hail. i kinda got nauseous from the laughing and screaming and life saving that was going on.

we were able to finally get the kite but i promise it doesn't look the same as it did when we first took it out. as we were getting to the front door 3 different neighbors came outside to make sure that we didn't get carried away. i loved how tanya asked, "what are you doing stacy?" like, you guys are CRAZY! hahahaha!

i am exhausted! it was so much fun! i can't remember the last time we laughed that hard together. i just wish tristan and jenna could have been here with us. SO FUN!!!!

i just read this back and it just doesn't sound as fun here as it really was. i wish you could have all been there to see it. my heart is still pounding just thinking about it. or is it because i'm out of shape and i still haven't caught my breath? :)

hhhmmmmmm

2010-01-19T22:35:00.002-07:00

blog...what blog????

i don't know, i'm gonna figure this thing out already. i used to love this thing but i just can't make myself sit down and do it. i think i might be overwhelmed by how horribly BEHIND i am. do i catch up or start from here? I JUST DON'T KNOW!

a happy heart is what i got

2009-10-13T11:42:00.003-07:00

a thing happened today, only one thing and it made my heart happy. you see, my heart is heavy and not a whole lot does that for me right now. i took a shower, one that was much needed since i hadn't showered since friday evening...don't forget that my heart is heavy, i usually shower daily so try not to judge. while i was drying off i looked up at the fogged up mirror and it said "i love mom" some little person in my house was thinking of me and let the mirror know.

i know they love me but at times like this when i'm not feeling like much of a mother i wonder what they really think of me...like when i'm not coaxing an "i love you" from them by saying it first. they love me, someone loves me and thinks of me...even if it is in the shower.

a kitty can make the world a better place

2009-09-09T21:44:00.010-07:00

so a tradition in our family is at one of the kids first few birthdays we take them to the build a bear shop at downtown disney and let them choose a bear for them to cuddle and get them through those rough times... teething, night nights, etc...

addie chose "angelina" a kitty which looks like our grey cat "frankie" and is about her favorite thing in the world. at this point once you pick the animal, they then stuff it with cotton and you get to put some hearts inside.

all of the kids picked a heart and put them into angelina. addie couldn't contain herself, she was going absolutely bananas during this whole ordeal.

they then hand her the kitty before they do the final stitching for her to snuggle for a minute and then had the nerve to ask for it back. why give the kid the cat if they aren't finished yet? look at addie's face, she was so sad that they took angelina back.

after a round of tug-a-war, they finally gave her back to addie and let her give her new kitty a bath and combed her hair

then while everyone was shopping for an outfit, addie had some lunch

now she is back with angelina and pretty much can't take a nap without her. that was a fun day.

fun with sqwa bread at outback steakhouse

2009-09-07T21:28:00.004-07:00

so we enjoyed a nice dinner at outback steakhouse on saturday night with the williams. stacy always enjoys the chopped salad and since i don't eat very much, i'm not really picky there. except when it comes to sqwa bread. Not because i enjoy eating it but because i enjoy exploring my creative side with creating art with bread.

saturday i created a wonderful item that i placed on the sidewalk and the williams and stacy and i hid off in the distance to see folks reactions. it was absolutely halarious and sometimes its just fun to be juvenile. here is my creation and i must say... it looks pretty real.

-jeff (i hope stacy starts posting things on HER blog so we have some family memories).

you are never alone

2009-09-01T08:49:00.004-07:00

fortunately and unfortunately stacy and i were able to take some pictures of our dear friend gina and her family and friends for her husbands funeral last week. it was such a struggle for me to capture these images of the last time they will see their husband, father, son and brother. although stacy and i are know that we can be with our family and friends again once we part this earth , it is still almost impossible to imagine life without jeremy.

as i was editing some of the images, i came across this picture of gina and immediately saw her in a different light. we can sometimes in the throws of an unimaginable situation feel completely alone and abandoned. i am not even pretending to understand what gina is going through. when i see this picture i can almost feel her emotions and expressions of having those loved ones around you and those closest to us and yet we feel completely alone.

i am grateful to know that we are never alone. even when we feel like there is no way forward, no way out or no peace... where that lump in our throat never goes away or the tears just seem to stop because there is nothing left. we are never alone! i am so grateful to have captured this image. gina, you are not alone and never will be alone. i see all of the family and friends surrounding gina in this picture, i can't help but think that there are thousands surrounding us on the other side that are unseen lifting us up and carrying us through our trials. how else can a mother of four and one on the way move forward from this unexplainable situation.

we love you more than you know gina. you are in our thoughts, prayers, discussions and we are thinking of you more than we think of ourselves. you are never alone.

love you... Jeff

faces?

2009-08-26T13:07:00.027-07:00

so stacy is going to kill me (and some of her friends) for this post. Some of you don't know, but stacy is obsessed with taking pictures of herself (see below). Tristan even said today "Dad, how come Mom takes pictures of herself like that:"

She actually takes a picture of us helping her push while she is delivering addie... seriously?

and sometimes she gets so desperate, when she can't reach far enough away to get the picture, she won't give up... she exerts every ounce of energy and any method possible to take the picture. Look at the pain and angioush she goes through to get this critical "couples shot" of the two of us:

She even has Tatum doing it

but stacy isn't the only one doing strange things. here are some of stacy's best friends, I love them to death but I just don't get it. also, what the heck is stacy doing to elvis?

what is up with the angry coleslaw?

I don't think Rich will ever look at Amber the same, EVER AGAIN!

I am not innocent but I think a triathlon is a pretty normal use for half of the faces above and acceptable to most of society. I would think swimming, being mugged, lifting heavy objects or if you are just really stopped up are all good application for these faces. Not sure why they are being used above.

what I don't understand with how beautiful everyone is why the faces?

my wife is super cute and I love her. this is my favorite picture of her having fun and being normal:

Have a good day!

-Jeff

2009-08-23T09:28:00.002-07:00

gina (far left) is one of my favorite people on the planet. she has the sweetest smile and is BEYOND generous. she has an abundance of amazing qualities. amber and i always imitate her super high pitched voice and all of the words in the english language that are "hers" :)

this morning gina and her 4 kids with her 5th baby on the way were left behind by her husband who was called home to live with his heavenly father. please pray for her and her kids who rely on him so much. pray for them to have strength through this unimaginable trial. i know that jeremy is going to send a special spirit to gina and her kids in that new baby. i love to think of jeremy having a reunion of sorts with that special little baby.

i love you holt family

i love you jeremy

how other people see me

2009-08-20T12:17:00.005-07:00

i've never been one to worry how other people "see" me. i mean, i understand that i am the kind of person that people really like and have a ton of fun around or they just don't get me and can't stand to be around me because i'm just too much for them. i understand both, i like the first the best but TOTALLY understand the people that i'm too much for and it doesn't hurt my feelings a bit. :)

life has never been easy for me and i am fully aware that most people feel the same of their lives. life can be just plain hard at times. one thing that i have always struggled with is how i look...the other way that people "see" me. in my eyes i have never been cute enough or thin enough and as long as i can remember i have been on some kind of diet...yes, even in theses pics.

that body below wasn't good enough for me. men looked at it and whistled at it as i walked down the street but when i looked at it it made me sad. i have ALWAY said that my best feature is my hair. that is a lot of pressure for a hair stylist because if they mess up i've got nothing. :)

somehow with that hideous body ;) i was able to find a man to marry me and to this very day he has never complained that my body isn't good enough. no matter what size i've been he LOVES my body. what more could i ask for right?

i had babies and gained a little extra weight and was totally uncomfortable in my skin but could still look at myself in the mirror and in pictures. i didn't think much about how people would "see" me i just cared that i was acceptable to me because i was a though audience.

cute huh? Jeff's 30th!

a couple of week ago i went to the gym and did a class where me and my body were staring right back at me. when i look at myself i don't see the parts that are my worst because i ignore them. i know that i won't like them anyway. i know what the scale says and i know it tells the truth but my brain can't think of my body in those #'s

this is me! the me that i don't show everyone on my blog. the me without a child standing in front of me to "cover" up the lbs. that have crept on over the years.

this is my body the way that my husband sees it and takes a picture anyway.

this is me hiding behind my kids and after seeing the picture afterward realizing that i'm not really hiding after all. i'm gonna have to have 3 more kids to help me out with that.

this is how i look when my friends see me. i am so sorry. until i saw this i had no idea what i was exposing you to.

that is how other people really see me and until i saw some of these pictures and some that i just couldn't show you this is how i still saw myself.

i see myself in a dressing room mirror, see myself in the mirror at the gym next to other people, see pictures of myself how i really am not the pose i choose to fake out the camera and the rest of you who can't see the real me from where you are. i have seen me the way that other people see me and i am uncomfortable and embarrassed.

question of the day

2009-08-16T19:28:00.002-07:00

why are men so nasty?????

now when i ask this question i realize that not all of you have gross husbands or men in your life but i got lucky and acquired MANY of those kind of men.

so another question might be...

why do SOME men think certain scents are funny and fun and think it's a good idea to share with EVERYONE?????

now discuss and i will elaborate sooner than you probably want me to.

one talented fanny

2009-08-08T17:11:00.003-07:00

some of you may know that our family has a musical background. some of you may also know that we can be a little crude from time to time (not very often though. hahaha!). well, our little addie has decided to bridge the gap between the two.

those are some cute buns!!!!

update!!!!

2009-08-03T12:12:00.003-07:00

i just wanted to update you all on this post. since i didn't disclose details i will share a couple.

*3 years ago this november we bought this house for over $300,000.00

*today this house is worth $175,000.00

NOT A GOOD THING!!!

*we found out that our mortgage was going up to $8,000.00 a month

(due to the kind of loan we got)

raise your hand if you can afford to pay that...or if you can do you WANT to pay that. especially when the house is worth HALF of what the purchase price was.

*we asked the bank to work with us and they wouldn't so we chose to stop making payments and walk away from our home...(that was a horrible decision for us)

* 5 months of making no payments later they are begging us to let them work with us. they don't want another empty home. they have made a very desirable offer and we have decided to stay.

THE END!!!

THE BEGINNING!!!

again

just something...ANYTHING!!!

2009-07-21T18:30:00.002-07:00

me with my tiniest girl

i love this family!!!! it's just too bad that rich is so short. :)

standing in line at wal-mart

2009-07-02T20:57:00.002-07:00

jenna: mom!!!!! look at that lady, she looks SO WEIRD!!!!!

me: that's because she's michael jackson honey. :)

HAHAHAHAHA! i was laughing so hard and so loud that everyone around was staring.

look who's up and moving around

2009-06-23T09:56:00.002-07:00

this little stinker realized about 2 weeks ago that she could get to what she wants by moving around and she is taking full advantage of her new skills.

2009-06-20T11:07:00.002-07:00

it took me 4 hours of hard core pushing to get this boys 10 lb body out of me and into this world. it was so hard and even though he came out looking like this, (and i just KNEW his head would never get better) i was totally in love with every inch of his mangled self. from head to toe this boy screamed trauma. the process of getting him here was just as long and difficult for him as it was for me and it showed. it didn't take too long for him to snap out of it and ten years later he is more beautiful than ever.

yesterday he woke up to the traditional benintendi streamers and balloons and presents waiting for him in the middle of the floor.

tristan want just a few simple things and he got all of them. he wanted a good book so we got him the fablehaven book that he didn't have yet. he asked for socks (which is a weird thing for a ten year old to ask for but OK) i got him 5 packs of gum because he is always stealing mine and a pack of white copy paper for the same reason. we ordered a harry potter wand online and were still waiting for that to come.

he also wanted tech dech skateboards...he ALWAYS wants these over the last few years he has probably had around 50. he loves these things!

after he opened his presents he and i went to breakfast together just the 2 of us. it's nice to get that one on one time with him and i know that he likes it to because he asks for it all the time. he chose mcdonalds and since it was his day that's where we went. :)

a little later in the day we went to see "UP"! it was such a sweet movie and totally brought me to tears. i did sleep through about half of it but i saw the important parts. i think the kids really liked it.

after the movie we went to an early dinner at dennys, another of trisants b-day picks. :) it was free for him so that was a pretty good deal.

while we were there we noticed that our baby girl cut a tooth. can't see it in this picture, actually she won't let us see it at all but we can for sure feel it.

after dinner some of our favorite people on the planet came over to sing happy birthday and have cake and ice cream.

some of the kids played a little pin the tail on the donkey...doesn't ben look great in pink?

we sang....

he blew out the candles...this mark the beginning of another wonderful year with an amazing son.

the boys went out after to play mini golf and play some video games. they were out late and seemed to have a great time.

jeff is at urgent care now getting x-rays on his hand, he was being a weirdo last night and hurt it and it's swollen. all you had to do is tell me you didn't want to do yard work jeff! this is kind of an expensive way to get out of work!

HAPPPY BIRTHDAY TRISTAN!!!!

all on a sunday afternoon

2009-06-14T15:32:00.002-07:00

at least the underwear say huggable!

tristan thought it would be a great idea to customize an oreo.

sunday at the benintendis is always some kind of adventure.

really????

2009-06-02T21:25:00.001-07:00

i had no idea until today that golf clubs had this much bend...NO IDEA!

but look at that swing on my boy, not too shabby huh!

( a little daddy and tristan time in 103 deg.)

tatum is getting married!

2009-05-21T23:08:00.002-07:00

(this is jeff)
so the other night when i got home from california, we were eating dinner and tatum says: "mom and dad, when i get married me and my husband are going to have spaghetti... "we'll each have one side and slurp it until we kiss."

I told her she is on restriction until she is 50!

Jeff

the best laid plans

2009-05-19T14:22:00.004-07:00

remember if you want a reality blog come here. if you want someone to lie to you about how AMAZING their life is you are in the wrong place!

i had every intention of enjoying my sisters visit to the FULLEST...i really did. i was so excited to have her here while jeff was in florida doing his half ironman. i was going to have the house clean and along with that i had the idea that there would be A LOT of fun and laughter.

for days before shelly arrived i had a headache that would not go away. this meant that the house cleaning was absolutely minimal. i also got little to no sleep the night before for a # of reasons. when she got here she helped me clean out the girls room and throw things away that they just don't need and get us ready for our move. i had a headache at the time but it was easier then doing it on my own so i took complete advantage of here help.

what i will say to make this short is:

i didn't sleep at all while she was here

i had a headache every day, including the 3 1/2 hours of the 4 free hours we had without kids.

i got the biggest, nastiest fever blister i have ever had in my life, and i've had a lot of them. what you probably don't know is that theses things tend to take over my whole life while i have them...it HURTS!

i got a special lady infection.

my baby had a fever for three of the days...pretty grumpy. double ear infection.

shelly took her turn on sunday with a nasty headache.

and after i dropped my sister off at the airport i got a visit from aunt flow and if you know me you know when she comes to visit i'm pretty much stuck at home.

super fun visit shelly. glad we could get together. next time we'll meet in hawaii! :) even with all of the nonsense i enjoyed having my sister around. we don't get to see each other much. i love you shell! thanks for your help.

as if the last 5 days weren't action packed enough, jeff spent a couple of hours with us last night while he tried to stay alert. (he is exhausted from the ironman and no sleep) he couldn't even wake up enough to come sleep in our bed with me. come to think of it, maybe it was all of the stuff above that kept him out of our bed. :) and then before we got up this morning he was out the door again headed to cali for work for 2 days. 7 day without a husband/daddy. i know that people do it for way longer and that other people have worse issues than me but i think it has all just added up.

to add to my adventure addie was up most of the night last night and when we got up in the morning i could see what was keeping her up.
this poor little sweet heart is having an allergic reaction to her antibiotics.

it's all over her face and in her hair and now that it's later in the day it has traveled to her stomach and her limbs.

i was going to give her benadryl but i'm afraid because on the label it says DO NOT GIVE TO CHILDREN UNDER 2! that kind of scares me.
i'm tired and i am TOTALLY feeling sorry for myself. i am DONE being alone and feel like i deserve some assistance. i know that at this stage it is out of jeffs control because he's working but i HATE this garbage sometimes. i really feel like a single mom sometimes and it is exhausting.

do you know of anyone who has a free maid service? :)

things change

2009-05-11T12:37:00.003-07:00

two and a half years ago we moved into this house. it was such an awesome experience for our family. we have learned so much and grown in ways that have been surprising to me. without going into all of the unpleasant details, our circumstances have drastically changed. jeff is NOT unemployed and financially we are doing well. however, at the beginning of july we will be relocating...

...to this location. it's beautiful, it's a new start, it's $1600.00 a month less than what we are paying right now and it also happens to be 700 sq. ft. less than what we are living in. it is going to be an adjustment, mostly for me and we are going to have to get a storage unit for ALL of the things that won't fit in to that little place. it will be GREAT! we were really lucky to have found this place and it feels like the right thing for our family. the best part is that we get to stay in our ward with the people that we have grown to love so much. the other fun thing is that it is right across the street so moving will be pretty easy. getting people to be excited about walking heavy furniture across the street in the heat of an arizona summer is another thing.

we are going to be ok and i have to say that this is all just a part of us becoming who we will eventually be. :)

2009-05-10T14:11:00.000-07:00

big open mouth kisses to all of you from us!

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

in a nut shell

2009-05-02T08:22:00.009-07:00

mom i wanna hold addie!

he took her from me, she snuggled in perfectly to fit the shape of his body, he squeezed her chubbiness to show her in his own sweet way that he can't get enough of her, she laid still to let him because she knows what that means. they loved every minute of being together, they are in love...and so am i.

special friends

2009-04-24T20:32:00.002-07:00

one who is always there for me and one that i wish i was closer to who was there for me tonight. you are wonderful and have for sure lightened my load. i am sitting in my home and i can breathe a little bit easier because of you. i love you both. everyone needs at least one special friend...i am lucky to have MANY!

this is what happens...

2009-04-23T13:01:00.003-07:00

when the mom is dealing with depression.

i'm showing you this so that you won't be afraid when you knock at my door... and then i open.

in about two weeks when the medication starts to work i'm sure that it can look close to this again. of course i won't be putting christmas decorations up but you get the idea.

keep your fingers crossed for me!

dear friends,

2009-04-21T09:34:00.003-07:00

i would really like to thank everyone who came to my shower before i was born and brought me diapers and wipes!

i turned 5 months on the 15th and last night was the first time that my mom had to buy diapers since i was born. AWESOME HUH? we still have 2 packs of wipes left too.

thank you so much!

love,

Addie's buns

addies birth story

2009-04-07T09:06:00.008-07:00

addie will be five months old on the 15th and i think that i need to write her birth story here before i forget any more of the details.

please understand that i am warning you ahead of time about a few things.

1. there are a TON of pictures

2. some of the pictures are going to be pretty gross to some of you.

3. i was HUGE (approx. 245 lbs.) not to say that i am petite now but i am 40 lbs lighter and have intentions of loosing at least 40 more lbs.

the morning of nov. 14th 2008 i woke up knowing that i would be induced. i called the hospital and they said that they were full. those who know how miserable i was (MY WHOLE PREGNANCY)will understand when i say that i cried when i heard that. i needed that girl out!

i toughed it out the whole day while having bouts of emotion over still being pregnant and sadness that i would never be this way again.

as the day wore on i was irritated that we never got maternity pictures so i went upstairs and did my hair and makeup not knowing if i would even get into the hospital that night. a bunch of crazy ladies kept going into labor and taking MY BED! i got my husband to take a few pictures of me even though it was getting darker and darker outside. i was determined that this was going to be done even if it was raining outside.

this was a good as we could get and you gotta love the sign that i'm sitting next to.

looking at the pictures of this large belly, i am reminded of how absolutely amazing the whole process really is. heavenly father is SO wise.

THERE IS A PERSON IN THERE!

i wanted this to be more like the pics that i took with each child before a new one would come ( them standing next to me with their hand on my belly with all of us in the picture) but this is what we got and this will do. YES! i have stretch marks but my husband photoshoped most of them out.

i got the phone call about 5:00 pm that they were ready for me and that i should eat a little something cause they wouldn't feed me until after the baby was born. i ate a yogurt and someones (probably tatums) leftover apples and peanut butter that was on the table for who knows how long.

doesn't jeff look so sweet in this picture...like he really loves me. :)

we were on our way with the million and one things that we had packed and ready to go.

we were on our way to the car and our baby came running out to us crying and it was such a sad moment for all of us. i think we were all realizing the reality that tatum was no longer the baby and that was so sad. i was trying not to cry in front of her.

we picked her up and gave her love and let her know that she would come see us in the morning and hold her new baby. i cried when we got in the car.

when we got to the hospital they informed me that i wouldn't be induced until about midnight because i had tested positive for strep so they needed to do two 2 hour rounds of antibiotics. i had no idea that when they put the antibiotic through my veins that i was going to wish i was dead. my whole left arm was on fire. jeff called the nurse and she put lidocane in my I.V. ...why don't they just do that in the first place?!? i was also dilated to a stretchy 4 cm. when i got there. that didn't surprise me one bit. i knew she felt like she was falling out. i don't know how i could have possibly gone another week and a half.

while i was waiting around, three of my sweet friends came to visit me. (ashley, amber and sarah) they had just gotten back from toilet papering one of our friends houses...silly ladies. i wish i could have gone. :) my favorite gift was the country edition people magazine...i don't love country music so i didn't know who in the heck the artist were that i was looking at. they stayed until an hour after i was induced which was beyond sweet considering that all three of these girls are early birds and like to be in bed at a reasonable hour. i informed them that they would need to leave in 10 or 15 min because there company wasn't going to be fun for me anymore. (laughter and talking in the middle of contractions is NOT ok with me, i need to focus)

i wish this picture was bigger! jeff found this bra behind the couch while he was moving it so that sarah and amber could sit closer to me. jeff is such a goofball!

things got pretty intense after they left. i like to see how long i can go without any drugs. with jenna i ended up having her natural. the anaesthesiologist came in and asked me if i wanted drugs because he thought that i had called for an epidural. "nope not me but it might not be too much longer. you better hurry and get to the other girl QUICK, if she asked for it she doesn't want you standing in here talking to me"! it wasn't long after that that i felt pain like i had never felt in my other labors. i felt like i wasn't getting any breaks from the pain. i sent my sister to get dr. feelgood. somehow things weren't going like i wanted them to (i actually told my mom and my mother-in-law to shut-up, now i would have to be out of my mind in pain to say that to either of them, i apologised to them later) i woke jeff up and sent him out to find me an epidural. IT TOOK FOREVER for him to get there! once he was there they sent everyone but jeff out of the room. he actually botched the first try and had to do it all over again...i don't like to be practice, just give me someone who know what they're doing. i have never agonized so much during labor, i am the quietest while laboring and giving birth...NEVER a peep. i did WAY more than peep. i will never forget that experience. i think that jeff was quite concerned. he had never seen me that way. i remember actually pinching his neck and his cheeks and pulling on his clothes...that is SO out of character for me.

i got comfortable and labored in my sleep and was awaken by my little girl knock, knock, knockin on heavens door, she was rip roarin ready to shove her way out. the nurse checked me, she was coming. she put my legs in the stirrups and asked me to push..."YEP! ok, don't do that again yet i'll be right back, i'm going to get the dr." then she returns, "he'll be here in ten min" all i could think is, how am i going to hold this baby in for TEN MORE MIN!?!?! she left and returned again, proceeds to remove all of the delivery gear and takes my leg OUT of the stirrups, "what are you doing!?!?!?!" "the dr. is at the other hospital and he is in the middle of another delivery, he won't be here for another FORTY MIN. here is the menu if you order your food now it should be here by the time your baby comes out"! was that supposed to make me feel better? don't i look excited?

we got the call that the dr. was almost there so she started to get me ready again. lights, camera, action! WHOA! look at that belly!

when i saw this picture i totally thought it looked like i was giving birth to E.T.

one of the special things about having jeff for a husband and having an epidural is that you never know until you look at the pictures that he has done something like this.

i thought this was so funny from my angle so i had to get a picture. i grabbed the camera from my sister and took these next three while trying not to let my baby drop out.

when dr. lepetich walked into the room i yelled, "YOU'RE FIRED" he just laughed and asked why. well, i let him know why wit no hesitation.

notice the red bag at the bottom of the picture. well, the nurse forgot to put it under me and the whole room was a mess. it just splashed EVERYWHERE! the dr. was COVERED!

after a few pushes out came her pretty head and everyone was saying, "ooooh she looks just like tatum" i'm gonna be honest it is a little weird to have people staring in your crotch and saying that it looks like one of your children. i hadn't seen her head yet so that is just what it felt like. dr. L. turned her so that she was facing jeff and i and told me to reach down and pull her out. i wish now that i had but for some reason in that moment it seemed like an impossible thing for me to do. jeff and i each grabbed one of her hands and she grabbed back. i pushed my last push and out came our sweet addie.

born: nov. 15th 2008

at: 8:06 am

weight: 8 lbs. 4 oz.

length: 21 1/2 in.

i love being able to hold my baby right away. i love to whisper sweet nothings in her tiny new ears so that she knows that her Mommy hasn't gone anywhere.

i think this is such a cool ritual that us humans do. i think it is so appropriate that daddy should be the one to sever the thing that physically connects a mother to her child. kind of like saying, now you belong to both of us.

really gross i know but my mother-in-Law started this with tristan so we had to take pics. of all of the kids first homes. :) i'm glad she talked me into it because it is so cool to me and dr. leptich loved it too. he sat and messed with it for a while and was so amazed by it like he had never seen one before. he made the whole birthing process amazing for me. he loves his job and it shows. he pointed out that it looks like a tree...the very first tree of life. :)

here we are. this is the worst pic, i know but it WAS completely black before and no faces were visible so it actually looks amazing in comparison.

my nurse was right, just as addie came out there was a knock at the door and there was my food. i ate while he stitched me up. i had no idea how HUNGRY i was until the first bite went in to my mouth. birthing a baby is heavy duty work man.

this is addies first bath. i am amazed every time how rough they are with the babies. they really scrub the heck out of them.

all clean!

daddys hand next to her calmed her right down.

this daddy loves his baby girl so much!

jeff letting me smooch on my little girl a bit.

WOW! don't i look lovely!

tristan wanted to hold her first so we let him cause we felt kind of bad for him that addie left him being the only boy. :)

looking at all of her small stuff.

me and the not so baby...and her cornnuts.

me and my kiddos.

i wanted a picture of my whole family in the hospital and the one person who is supposed to have the most self control could NOT look at the camera. he was teasing tatum in EVERY picture. thank you jeff, for making this such a special picture for me.

i was ready for a nap!

addies first game of peek a boo. what a sweet sissy.

adoreing our new sweet heart.

notice jeff has no facial hair? he shaves it off the day that every baby is born. he wants to kiss all over those sweet faces without hurting them. :)

and this is our photographer/my sister/aunt shelly! thanks for all of the great pictures!

it was such a special and sacred experiance...every time was in it's own way. as hard as it is to be a mother of four every day holds special experiances and i am grateful to have a sweet husband to share them with.

6th file 6th picture

2009-04-01T21:45:00.003-07:00

first of all this was hard for me to do because as photographers we do have MANY files that are other peoples files mixed in with our own. so i counted the 6th benintendi file and opened that and there were about 50 other files in that so i counted 6 more files in and found this folder and this picture as the 6th one in. feeeewwww! i'm glad that's done!

this was a picture that jeff took of me and tatum on tristan and jennas last day of school at eagles aerie. i was a few months pregnant with addie girl...i DO NOT miss those days! them was bad times! i'm noticing though, that my stomach looks like that right now. oops!

i had to share this picture that was taken the same day. she looks so little and LOOK, she found a friend her own size. :)

i tag anyone who sees this and thinks it would be fun! :)

signs of a peaceful day...AHHHHHH. :)

2009-03-31T13:37:00.004-07:00

it's on!!!

2009-03-26T03:59:00.001-07:00

now the tater tots has got the barfs. this is nasty! hopefully the other kids are gone long enough during the day to avoid this. and hopefully god has mercy on my soul and spares me. i've got too much to do this weekend to be sick or have any other sickies!

my addie girl

2009-03-24T10:42:00.004-07:00

this is my sweet little girl. she has been super sick with one thing after the next since she was 2 weeks old. i don't think that she knows what it's like to feel good and it makes me so sad because even though this life is hard it is WONDERFUL and i need her to feel that.

at four months old she has had 2 double ear infections, a # of fevers, bronchitis, one cold after another, she's on her second round of antibiotics, had a sleep apnea monitor

(that i opted not to use) has acid reflux and is on medicine for that and is having 3 breathing treatments a day so that she can cough the junk up that is making it so hard for her to breath.

you see, this beautiful soul has had four months of trials...trivial compared to some but trials nonetheless and taxing on this tiny yet super chubby body.

those of you who REALLY know me are aware of my sickness phobia...if you have it we'll get it! i really try to keep my kids away from sick kids and i am a weirdo about my kids getting other kids sick so my kids miss a lot of school when they are sick. i am convinced that if everyone were as careful as me there would be minimal illness at school. back to miss addie!

all day yesterday she was a little different. she would lay on me and just rest her sweet head on my chest. this is something that i LOVE my babies to do and this one doesn't just do it unless she is asleep. i thought she must be really getting attached to me and just wanted us to be close. she started acting a little funny but i didn't think much of it. i put her to bed and went downstairs to watch some tv. i heard a strange cough from addie and i had a sick feeling in my heart and ran upstairs to check on her. when i got there she was breathing funny and since the light was off i started to feel around in her crib. she was COVERED in vomit. i have never seen so much vomit from a tiny baby. it was in her nose and her ears and all over her head and parts of her body. i picked her up right away and her breathing continued to be strange. i was so worried. jeff took her in the shower and things got really weird with her. when i used the bulb syringe to clean out her nose she just laid there and stared at me
(not normal, she usually fights me) her eyes were glazed over and it was then that i realized that she may have aspirated on some of the vomit. jeff decided to take her to the bath because she was changing colors and we thought she wasn't warm enough in the shower. after they got in the bath she still wasn't responding normally. we noticed that her arms and hands were purple and the right side of her head was also purple. jeff told me to take her to the ER and when he handed her to me she was like a rubber doll. SO UNNERVING! i couldn't take her by myself because i needed to be able to hold her, i HAD to hold her. jeff called the ER and talked to a nurse and while they were talking her color started to come back and her breathing became more regular. it turns out that she has the flu. she threw up most of the night (poor little girl) it was so scary for me and it was also for her. she would panic a bit every time she needed to throw-up

she is so exhausted today and quite honestly so are jeff and i, not only from no sleep but this was really traumatic for all of us. there isn't a bigger fear in my life than to loose a child and when her color changed and she became lethargic i couldn't think of anything else but how would i live with out this person in my life. i am so grateful for the prompting that i received that was so clear. i needed to RUN to my baby. if i hadn't who knows how bad this could have been.

i need her tiny hand to touch my face and pull my hair and squeeze my lips...i just need her.

"The Dork Olympics"

2009-03-21T06:02:00.003-07:00

[this is Jeff by the way]

you know how sometimes you wake up when you are in a dead sleep to something horrible like an earthquake or a fire or something like this? How about your 9 year old son opening a perfectly good pen over a white beadspread on the executive level of the crown plaza and deciding to see what happens if he bends the open pen in half.

I am not sure if it is the ink blobs on the floor, the full black handprint on the bedspread or the black ink covering his hand. No... that doesn't do it for me. Its the fact that he is going to walk around today with an ink goatie on his face.

I don't have anything else to say about this other than I feel like the employees at the Crown were holding the "Dork Olympics" in my room this morning and my son just brought home gold! Seriously, wake me up for something good, but don't send me into a sleep deprived convulsion for something like this. I seriously want to give him a wedgie.

-Jeff

cool kid???????

2009-03-12T17:43:00.003-07:00

this is the kind of stuff my son does for fun.

and then it looks like this.

me: tristan...did you get made fun of at school today? (notice the pink on his sock)

tristan: no i just put these on before dinner...and look troy bolton is on this one!

WOW!!!!!

now if you go back and look at the second skating picture you can see the pink sock. that boy is going to get beat up.

i think the worst part about it was, not only did he have an "i love troy" sock on but he had a completely different pink sock on the other foot...at least he was trying to stay in the same color family.

pay it forward

2009-02-26T19:30:00.005-07:00

edited: ok, so i'm either not that popular or no one wants to pay it forward. there could also be the fact that i changed the rules a bit but oh well. :) so, this is what i'm going to do. shelley gets a gift because she was the first to comment and is paying it forward...thanks shell. shanda gets one because she said, "well crap" and i just thought that was funny, shalene gets one because she is #5 and i'm glad she is cause now i have a reason to get her address. :) and i decided that i am going to give one to my friend erin, because i love her and i miss her and i need her to have something physical from me to remind her that i love her. so erin your gift will be a 16 x 20 picture of me in a hand made frame. some people just get to be the lucky ones. :)

Found this on my friends blog I want to switch it up a bit though. So this is how it works..... The 1st, 5th, and 10th person to leave a comment on this post will receive a hand made gift from me during this year. When and what will be a surprise. this means you might have to leave a few coments to be one of the three. :)

There's a small catch...You knew there would be didn't you? Post this on your blog then come back and leave a comment, telling me you're in. Fun, huh? i'm excited!

bloopers and a baptism day (2-21-09)

2009-02-24T13:02:00.004-07:00

we didn't get a single good picture on Jenna's baptism day so i thought that we would just retake some the next day after church since we would all be in our sunday dress..........YEAH RIGHT!

this will probably seem completely redundant but i need you to see what i am up against. not only are the people doing something different in all of the pictures but the sun was SO BRIGHT! jenna can't even have her picture taken outside on an overcast day without tears streaming down her face. my super sensitive girl.

jenna not looking.

we get her to look but the weirdo on the other side of me has completely lost it.

tristan...WHAT IN THE HECK!?!?!?!

well at least addie has her eyes open.

here we are the next day after church...very interesting. look at tatum...she was ticked off about having to take pictures again.

at least we can count on addie to be cute. i know that won't last for long so i'm trying to take advantage of the cuteness now.

here are the good pictures from Jenna's baptism day. here they are all ready for the big moment.

for those of you who don't know: as members of the church of jesus christ of later day saints we are baptized at the age of 8.

jeff took jenna outside and took this sweet picture of her.

jenna looked so beautiful! this is a necklace that her aunt shawnah made for me, we both thought that it would look beautiful with her dress.

it was such a special day for our family. we are so proud of jenna for her choice to be baptized and we know that she will be blessed in great abundance for this decision.

happy valentines day

2009-02-15T19:27:00.004-07:00

i like to do something fun for the kids on valentines day. this year the morning wasn't so rushed since it was on a saturday. it was nice to just take our time. i loved that it was light outside this year when when we started our morning .

these were the little goodies that i left for the kids. there were just a couple of fun things and some treats for them.

i made heart shaped pancakes and this time i made the pancakes and the whipped cream pink. the kids thought that was fun and so did i.

me and one of my valentines. :)

jeff lost his wedding ring about a month ago and when i was doing the laundry 2 days ago i found it. i know it sounds like it's been a month since i did laundry but...well...that's kinda true except when we really needed something to wear we would wash it...apparently he didn't need to wear whatever article of clothing it was in. this has NOTHING to do with the ring! anyway i found it and gave it to him for v-day. he buys himself a ton of stuff so he doesn't ever really get gifts from me. I AM HIS GIFT! :) now don't judge me about the laundry, i know you're still thinking about that.

jeff and the kids got me some weight watcher treats and an MP3 player. can't wait to get some songs on it so i can take it to the gym with me.

hope your day was full of love.

2009-02-01T07:36:00.004-07:00

the names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent and quite possibly the not so innocent.

yesterday rickey and his sisters went to play at their friends house together.

rickey: mom, lucy said the "B" word.

mom and dad talk amongst themselves to try and decide exactly what the "B" word is, rickey over heard and said it was none of those.

dad: spell it rickey.

rickey: B-O...hmmm...S-H...i think?...E-T, yeah it's

B-O-S-H-E-T

mom: BOSHET?

mom, saying this out loud suddenly realizes the closeness to another special word.

mom: WOW! OK! how bout we don't ever say that again!

rickey: yeah mom i told you.

moral of the story: keep your kid slightly ignorant and never let them learn how to spell.

whaaaaaaaa???????

2009-01-29T22:01:00.002-07:00

here is mount benintendi (what i call my nine mile high pile of laundry)

something is different about it this time.

what in the heck is that ?!?!?!?

yep, it's my baby!

when i walked in on this the first thing i thought of was the movie E.T. when he was all mixed in with the stuffed animals. :) jeff called me in as i was getting ready to leave for the gym and said i have something for your blog. it was so funny to see this pile moving. she was so content to just sit in that mess (it is clean).

an hour later when i got back from my workout there she was, sound asleep in the pile and next to her laying ON the pile was her little-big sissy. this is parenting at it's finest.:)

addie

2009-01-28T14:44:00.005-07:00

just two pictures of my girl that i could look at all day. i was so excited to get this sweet smile on camera. for some reason every time i try i get some goofy face. i'll post those another time.:)

tatum was horrible w/ the pacifier. she COULD NOT hold it in her mouth but was ticked off when it would fall out. addie knows just when to used it and spits it out when she's done. man those things have come a long way in the last 4 years...look how cute that one is. i mean the pacifier.;)

lovin' the hair

2009-01-26T10:59:00.005-07:00

there are just some mornings that tatum is irresistible. this was one of them. i think sarah pulled into the driveway to take her to school just as i was taking this. she probably thought i was crazy. and maybe i am a little, crazy about her.

most of the time she looks like this but on sundays and school days...

i get to see her like this for a short time before the fun begins and all of my work goes to pot. i can tell what kind of day she's had by the state of her hair...and maybe the grime on her face. oh but what a sweet face. :)

isn't this braid so cute. the girl who cuts my hair mentioned doing that when she cut her hair off and i had been thinking of it ever since. i'd done it on jenna and it was cute but i thought that tatum didn't have enough hair...i was wrong.

addies' blessing day...

2009-01-25T23:07:00.004-07:00

was apparently NOT the day for pictures. i HATE that we didn't get any pictures because two weeks later this little lovie looks completely different. her hair is falling out and let's just talk about the chubbs. this is one chunky girl! i love every inch of her.

on january 4th 2009 addie was blessed. we had so many sweet friends and family here with us. it is always nice to have the people that we love around us. thank you to everyone who drove out here just for our little addie.

i'm soooo proud of my wife

2009-01-22T21:00:00.005-07:00

i just want to say how proud of stacy i am. the past couple of weeks she has been working hard at the gym and walking and eating super good. not sure how much she has lost but this morning she was standing in front of the broom and i couldn't see her! seriously, she is looking so good and i just wanted to let you all know of the results so far. i haven't taken any pictures of her so this is the best representation of her transformation so far:

i love you stacy -Jeff

ch ch ch ch changes

2009-01-19T11:08:00.003-07:00

i used to make these blankets for everyone in my ward who was having a baby...and then i moved to arizona. :) there are TOOOOOOOOO many babies being born in one ward at any given time to make one for everyone, so i don't.

this blanket was made for addie by one of my most favorite people on the planet. isn't this fabric to die for? christine and i started making these blankets lots of years back after seeing one that our friend karis had received as a baby gift. we thought it would be super easy and a fun gift to give. and it was.

christine and i have very different ideas about how these blankets should look. her approach is more willy nilly, throw it together and get it over with. it's way faster then my, make sure everything measures up and is perfectly cemetric. it has taken me years but i have finally taken a page out of the, "cristine devaney rag quilt making book" it turns out that it's ok if you have two of the same fabrics right next to each other and it's ok if you cut them different sizes...it's all ok and really anything goes. thanks for the lesson christine, it's only taken...what, 6 years? :)

this blanket was actually my inspiration.

a friend of mine just had a baby and named her olive, so i wanted to pick olive-y fabrics for her blanket. i especially love the colorful, flowery one.

this was a very thought out and planned blanket. my usual.

this was trying something a little different and not so planned out.

and this one was just, put them wherever and hope for the best. it's nice to relax a little and not worry so much about where everything HAS to go. :)

now i feel like i have options. ahhhh that feels good!

2009-01-13T12:25:00.003-07:00

this card by it's self i probably wouldn't find super funny but the story behind it is.

jeff had been out of town and it was tatum's birthday. on his way home from the airport he stopped to get a few things so that when she woke up the next morning it would look like her birthday blew up all over the house. he got her this card because it had a cute chihuahua on it and of course the little umbrella is adorable, any 3 turning 4 year old would love this card right?

he obviously didn't pay attention to the picture...

...or what it said inside.

jeff's aunt always sends the most hilarious birthday cards. when i opened this one for my birthday i was DYING!

the truth...the funniest emil i've gotten in a long time. :)

2009-01-10T07:38:00.003-07:00

To my darling husband,Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

priceless moments

2009-01-08T20:21:00.003-07:00

the other morning when jeff left for a bike ride tatum was so upset that she started to cry for him. she went upstairs to find solice in her sleeping sister. she climbed up in bed with her and laid next to her crying until she woke up. i followed her up the stairs to see if i could help to calm her down. i peeked inside the room and saw them looking at each other and i heard this:

jenna: what's wrong tates?

tatum: i miss daddy.

jenna: where did he go?

tatum: he went on a bike ride.

jenna: oh, he'll be back.

tatum: i know but i didn't want him to leave.

jenna: ooooohhh (and as sweet as a big sister could be she rolled over to be closer to her and my heart about burst with pride over the sweet and tender way that jenna loved her. )

tatum: (immediately stopped crying) your breath stinks!

the tender moment became a priceless one. they didn't know i was listening to them but i couldn't keep from busting up so they figured out pretty quick that i was spying.

from now on we know that all we have to do when tatum is crying is have jenna breathe in her face and whatever problem she has at the time will quickly disappear.

2009-01-06T13:07:00.002-07:00

yesterday, we had FHE and since it's the new year we thought that we would come up with some individual and family goals. i know that's super original and no one else did that. haha! :)

jeff: loose 65 lbs.

stacy: loose 60 lbs.

jenna: be a nicer sister to tristan

tatum: learn to play t-ball

addie: stop pooping so much to save family money on diapers

and then there is this boy...

tristan: "learn how to make soap and become a successful

soap selling man"

what in the heck!?!?!?!?! we were dying! this is his goal for 2009. what a weirdo.:)

2009-01-01T21:46:00.003-07:00

we got some pictures of the kids yesterday. here are a few of them. what do you think of tatums new haircut?

sorry about the cleavage, it goes up to my neck these days.

this wasn't planned, this is what happens all day at our house. we just can't get enough of her. that's probably why we've all been sick over here for 4 weeks.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

some people post about christmas, i just post christmas colors

2008-12-31T11:34:00.003-07:00

let's be honest, not many people post about poop...they just aren't brave enough. if anyone is going to do it you know it'll be me because i'm just that brave...notice i say brave not gross. :)

i've had four kids, and seen more blowouts than i care to count. THIS WAS THE ALL TIME WORST BLOWOUT!!!!!!

tatum would look out of BRAVE curiosity...

...and then look away.

the kids were all in hysterics over this mess...ok we all were. have you ever seen anything like it?

uncle dale took one for the team today, this one happened on him. thanks uncle dale! and since addie didn't get you anything for your birthday yesterday we'll just say...well........happy birthday to you! :)

mullets in weird places

2008-12-26T23:23:00.008-07:00

tonight jeff was teasing jenna about a mole on her foot and said, "look, jenna stepped in a brownie." tatum said, "what?" so he repeated himself and she said, "nooooo, that's her mullet!"

that girl kills me!

i hope everyone had a great christmas...we totally did! :)

2008-12-25T11:27:00.003-07:00

merry christmas!

(click on the picture to really appreciate the cuteness)

we didn't do christmas cards again this year so if you're waiting by your mailbox...STOP IT!

addie girl

2008-12-22T15:38:00.003-07:00

addie is hardly the new born that she was 3 weeks ago but here she is at five weeks.

this is what i call her monkey face...i LOVE the monkey face! i have to kiss those little lips when they look like that. her eyes aren't as googlie as they usually are when her lips do that. it's almost like there is a string attached from her eyes to her lips and her lips pull her eyes cross-eyed.
that is one YUMMY baby!

more pictures from this shoot to come.

2008-12-15T07:06:00.002-07:00

here is my pretty little girl! i am embarrassed to say that with all of the craziness in the benintendi house we haven't gotten very many pictures of our sweet baby. as you can see the camera that i have takes the most hideous pictures so that makes it hard for me to get excited about taking pictures. we are going to do a photo shoot today to get some good pictures...no red eye would be nice. :)

i do want to say that this little girl is THE BEST baby! she is so mellow and good natured. i think it's only fair that after everything that i went through to get her here and all of the stuff we've had to deal with since she was born that i should have this one gift...a GREAT baby who sleeps through the night and many other amazing qualities.

i love this girl!

sorry if this seem scattered or doesn't make sence, i am sleep deprived. we've all been sick and i am smack dab in the middle of mine and my head is a mess. if you see me on the road get out of the way because i can't quite stay in my own lane. and whatever you do don't ask me to remember anything right now cause my brain is MUSH.

one good woman

2008-12-12T23:31:00.002-07:00

I realize that many of you know how hard stacy's pregnancy and last few weeks have been on her. I also appreciate everyone that has supported her during the prego and while she is now on the mend. I just wanted to let stacy know how much i love and appreciate her. she is a great wife and mom and sometimes i forget to take the time to tell her.

with me being gone this week in san diego and now in st. louis, i really miss the fam. more importantly i appreciate stacy taking the reings without complaining and supporting me in my work. thanks stacy for being a great wife and mom to the kids. you do a terrific job and i want you to know i love and appreciate you.

Jeff

num yummmmmy

2008-12-12T09:13:00.002-07:00

you know how there are things that can make you feel hungry when you look a them?

this isn't one of them!

we were just minding our own business, trying to enjoy a nice meal as mother and daughters and this made it next to impossible to finish our meal.

my sweet jenna never even mentioned it until i asked her two hours later if she had seen what i saw. she told me she saw it but she didn't care cause she was used to seeing her dads crack hahahaha!

WELL I CARED!

BARF!!!

whaaaaaaaaa?

2008-12-02T16:12:00.002-07:00

jeff is going to the hospital tomorrow morning to have his FULL gal bladder removed. we are really excited as this has been the 3rd GB attack that he's had and they are pretty brutal.

today at school tatums teacher asked:

teacher: tatum did your dad have his surgery?

tatum: yeah...he had to have his uterus out cause it was full of rocks.

hahahahahahah!

i love that girl!

the latest and equally as great

2008-11-21T06:40:00.002-07:00

addie rae was born:

nov. 15 2008

8:06 am

8 lbs. 4 oz. (not to big thank heavens)

20 1/2 in. long

sorry it's taken so long i am having another lovely bout of postpartum depression. i was hoping it would run past me and not stop for a visit but it has and now i just have to work through it. so be warned that if you see me and ask about my delivery chances are i WILL fall apart. my poor kids don't know what to do with me but lucky for me my husband does. :) it'll just take time...hopefully not too much.

2008-11-14T06:58:00.002-07:00

we're off to have a baby!

we'll keep you updated. have a great day,

i know i will. :)

FYI

2008-10-15T20:41:00.008-07:00

my due date is november 22nd

my dr. said he would induce me nov. 14th

that was a month ago that he told me that and now that i am

DYING i'm hoping that he will have mercy on my soul and induce me on nov. 10th

that is only 12 days early and considering the size of the babies that i give birth to i don't really feel that that is too much to ask. so she might be 8 lbs. instead of 10 is that to small?

we have a name!!!!

it hasn't been easy to pick one. jeff made things a real pain in the rear this time around and according to him, HE MEANT TO DO THAT TO ME!?!?!?! as if being prego isn't a pain in the rear already.

her name will be:

addie rae

a little background:

my grandmas name was mary adelaide

and when she was little her parents called her addie.

my moms middle name is adelaide aka marmalade aka adelgag. do you see why i couldn't name her adelaide? my view of that name has been HORRIBLY ruined. so addie it is! :)

tatum's middle name is marie, named after her daddy's sister and rae is my sisters middle name. so our littlest girls have their aunties middle names.

now ladies, i expect great things from you or i won't hesitate to change their names to something else. no pressure!

i would also like to mention that the picture in my profile was taken just WEEKS before i found out i was pregnant. i have had quite a few people say something about how i was funny to put a skinny picture of myself up there. THAT'S ME! i'm just EXTRA large marge right now! :)

hilarious!!!! turn up your volume

2008-10-12T20:30:00.001-07:00

happy birthday to my baby tates

2008-10-09T21:34:00.006-07:00

my tatum turned 4 yesterday (10-9). we usually blow up 100 balloons and decorate the downstairs with streamers and have the kids gifts right in the middle of the room.

this year had to be different because jeff is in Missouri and i couldn't do it all my self. my day has to be planned around the stairs, i can't go down them until the kids are ready for school because getting back up seems to pose a small problem. so this year the birthday started upstairs. :)

tatum started soccer the night before so when we got back she was so wasted that she fell asleep in her soccer garb.

before she started opening her presents she came into the office and said with so much excitement, "MOM, CAN GO DOWN STAIRS AND SEE ALL OF THE BALLOONS?" i felt SO bad! i wanted that for her so bad but it was just impossible. once she started to open her stuff she forgot all about the balloons. :)

we didn't do a b-day party this year so she took cupcakes to her soccer team and then to her preschool class the next day. they sang happy birthday to her and she passed out goody bags to all of her friends. she said that she had fun at her "party" and i didn't even have to plan it or host it...pretty sneaky huh!

for lunch she wanted McDonald's so that's where we went. she wanted to sit right by me and i loved that. i LOVE that she wants to be with me.
after lunch we went to target to spend the money that her grandmas gave her. she is my easiest shopper so far. we went down one isle (10 min) and she had everything she wanted.

baby alive go bye bye (a little creepy to me )

a stroller

a crib

that baby is all set up with the good stuff.

for dinner she chose to go to sweet tomatoes. this is where all of my kids want to go on any special day. uncle dale went with us since daddy was out of town. he ends up being the stand in dad.

she said that she had the best birthday and that is all i wanted for her. she did wish her daddy was home though.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TATES!!

i just love that baby girl!

the not so baby

2008-09-12T16:22:00.002-07:00

one of the things that i have to let go of when i have this sweet little girl is the fact that this little girl won't be the baby anymore. it's kind of a hard thing for me. she says she's big and i know that she is but until this baby gets here i still need her to be small...the baby. i asked her if she could let me call her a baby and hold her like a baby and kiss her all over like a baby. because let's be honest there comes a time that kissing them all over becomes just a little weird for everyone. when i do that to the two oldest they love it for a minute and think it's hysterical and then they're done. tatum understands that she is not allowed to be done until i say so. hahahaha!

this is one of her silly smiles but i love that about her. she's so silly!

always posing for the camera and honestly i have no clue where she got that from but she knows just what to do to make us laugh. this was her very first day of preschool.

she requested target for lunch which was weird since we don't ever really go to target but that's what she wanted so that's what she got. :) i squeeze her little legs cause they're still chubby enough and i hold her tiny hands tight because soon they won't be the tiniest, i sniff her little neck and cheeks because soon they won't smell as sweet. i wish we could bottle that stuff. :) i will miss her being the the baby and i'm a little nervous about what her new position in our family will bring out in her. so for now she has agreed to stop calling herself big and is letting me love the heck out of the baby that she still is.

i'm going to miss my BABY tates.

so here's the scary truth

2008-09-03T20:47:00.002-07:00

i am almost 29 weeks and i am ENORMOUS!!!!

i have struggled with my weight for years and there have been a number of contributing factors. it first happened when i grew my beautiful boy and it's been down hill since then. i have been heavier at the beginning of every pregnancy but with the first 3 ended up at the same weight in the end. I STARTED THIS ONE AT THE ENDING WEIGHT OF THE OTHER 3!!!! this is not ok!

i thought that the b&w picture would make me look thinner but it didn't so i'm giving you one in color too. here i am in ALL my pregnant and self conscious glory. don't get me wrong, i am extremely aware of what an amazing thing this is that my body can do, i LOVE to feel my little girl move and groove inside of my horribly damaged body, i KNOW how lucky i am that heavenly father has allowed me to experience this at all...i am lucky!
i know that this will be the last time i feel this way, the last time i look this way, the last time i swell like this, the last time my hips hurt so bad when i TRY to sleep at night, the last time i cry over everything, the last time i feel a life grow inside of my own and the last time i push the person that i grew and kept safe inside of my self out of my body. it's not glamorous, it's not always pretty but this is the last time for me and i am feeling happy and horribly sad all at once (motherhood...sick and twisted i tell you)

i am TRYING to be as positive as i can and feel every bump so that i have no regrets about how i spent my last experience of being a vessel to bring a life into this world. so for now my body belongs to my baby girl and before that it belonged to my other three babies but after this it's mine...forever and i can make it look however i wish. :)

does anyone remember doug and wendy whiner?

2008-07-19T10:09:00.009-07:00

well you can go ahead and call me wendy cause you're about to hear a whole lot of whining.

you would think that for a woman who has been without children for a week i would feel rejuvenated and ready to take on the world...that's just not so.

we left our kids last saturday with my parents and more than usual i missed them. i cried for them and worried about them SO MUCH! they were with my mom, a fully capable and loving grandma who has taken care of them many times before, not to mention that she had 4 children of her own. they all cried the first night because they wanted to come home and then tatum all but one night after. i HATED THAT!

i have only slept one good night since they left. sleep really helps with my attitude, especially being pregnant.

tuesday morning we got up at 4 am and flew to oakland. later that afternoon we drove over to san francisco. let me just say that if i had to judge that place on this, my first ever visit i would have to give it a major 2 thumbs down. it is so not my kind of place. now i realize that a lot of you have probably been there and loved it and i couldn't be happier for you but my kind of place is hawaii, slow relaxed and easy.

to be fair i have to say that i was exhausted, uncomfortable, the traffic was a joke (to much hustle and bustle), we should have taken a tour bus of sorts to get a more informed view of the sites, and we should have know better than to disturb the nice parking attendant man while he was watching a porn and giving himself a special massage. only in san fran! i won't say i'll never go back but we'll have to be rich and have been everywhere else that we want to go first...or if it's a free trip.

there has been more in between but that would just bring it all back so i'll spare you those little details.

i'm now at the lake and have been reunited with my babies. it's so nice to hug them and smell them and listen to their silliness. today we were all supposed go out on the lake. i was so excited to watch jeff and the kids fish off the side of the boat and this was the kids first time on a boat. i remember how excited i was to go on a boat when i was a kid and i couldn't wait to see their faces when the boat took off. well i'm sitting here typing this instead. we figured it would be safer for me and the baby if i didn't go. so i sat here and watched "a walk to remember" and bawled my head off. if you haven't seen this movie watch it at your own risk. i have a lump in my throat every time i watch it. anyway, i guess i was feeling sorry for myself so i went ahead and let it all out. i cried way more than usual. i think i really needed that.

i wish the week could have been more pleasant for me but surprisingly i am excited to get back to my life tomorrow.

i'll have a whole lot of pictures to share from the last few months, i can't wait to put the fun stuff up here. :)

have a great weekend!

the third time's a charm the fourth time around

2008-06-26T17:37:00.005-07:00

there are a few people who wanted to see my belly so i'm gonna give you a peek.

this is me at 4 1/2 months with tristan.

(10 years ago)

and this is me the 4th time around at 4 1/2 months. amazing how fast i grew this time. (i cut my head off cause i didn't want anyone to be afraid, it wasn't pretty)
so the good new is that we are having another sweet little girl. if you've never seen what that looks like in an ultrasound this will just look like a blob to you. but the arrow is pointing to three white lines which means "girlie goodies".
i was surprised when the girls had no reaction...AT ALL. they have been so excited to "find out" and then they just sat there like a couple of bumps on a log.

tristan was at the circus with a friend when we found out so jeff called him to tell him.

jeff: tristan we just found out who were having and i called to tell you...WE'RE HAVING ANOTHER GIRL.

jeff: tristan?...tristan can you hear me?...we're having a girl...tristan are you there?

tristan: i heard you.

he's not excited. he really wanted a brother and this was his last chance at that and i think it's just going to take him a minute for that to really set in. he's going to be so in love with her and he doesn't even know it yet. i told him that i think she is going to love him the most and want to be with him all the time. :)

we're so EXCITED! more pink around here=more crazy hormones. ahahahahha!

my first born

2008-06-20T08:26:00.005-07:00

my mom took pity on me and sent me a "camera". she didn't want it because the pictures it took were horrible. guess what...i don't want it either. they ARE horrible and that was all i had to take pictures with yesterday when tristan turned NINE.

i'm not putting up the pics from yesterday for the above said reason but tomorrow i'll get some good shots with a real camera at his party.

here is the invite jeff designed. isn't it cool?

a couple of things about my boy:

it hurt like a mother to get him here. 28 hours of labor, 4 hours of pushing, a broken tail bone, a 10 lb. baby...the reward? a baby that came out looking like kwazi moto. if he wasn't already 10 lbs. i would have told them to put him back cause he wasn't done.

it didn't take him long to snap out of it though and he was more beautiful than i could have imagined him to be. we were so in love. being a parent for the first time is definitely an experience that can't be repeated, it's special, he's special.

he's a good and thoughtful friend. he is a good example to those around him. he wants to do what is right, sometimes to the point of driving everyone crazy but i love his conviction. i can see now that the thing that drive me a little (or a lot) crazy are going to be the things that i love and admire the most about him when he becomes an adult.

we love you so much tristan and we are so lucky to have you in our family. you are the best big brother. i love how much you love and care for your sisters. i love how you are a little daddy to tatum and watch out for her and snuggle with her when she is hurt or sad or just because you want to be close to her. i love how close in age you and jenna are that you laugh and play like friends and are totally silly together. i can't wait to see how amazing you will be with our new baby. you are such a good boy!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!

things that make me excited to birth this baby and move on with life

2008-06-17T08:59:00.004-07:00

i haven't had a camera for a couple of months (long story) so without pictures i feel like i have nothing to post about. while i was reading a friends blog yesterday i realized that i overlooked one of the funniest and most embarrassing things that has ever happened to me.

when i was pregnant with tristan and jenna the worst thing that would happen to me while i was grocery shopping is that my hands would start itching and burning like crazy from crazy blood flow issues. i would have to make a mad dash to the frozen food section for some peas and carrots to carry around the store with my hands up over my head...very attractive and totally confusing to other shoppers but it was the ONLY way i could get through my shopping.

fast forward to tatum when nothing made sense. i started to pass out randomly in stores and public places. so when this happened to me at wal-mart the employees came running, it was really an experience that they couldn't forget so when i came in and got a ride along cart no one batted an eye and everyone knew why i need it and just smiled at me as i went on my way.

well i have been having the same problem this time around too and have just been having to cut my shopping short when i feel "that feeling" coming on. this is so inconvenient!

a week or so ago i had a lot of shopping to do and i couldn't do it in shifts i just had to get it done. so i decided that i was going to take jenna and she would push a cart behind me while i sat in a ride along cart.

remember your own experience at wal-mart when you see someone in one of those things, they are usually at least 300 lbs. or 14 month pregnant...I'M FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT.

as we walk into the store i see a woman literally dragging her leg behind her and i assume that she is going to get an electric cart. i was WRONG! this woman could hardly walk and she was going to tough it out. i felt SO DUMB.

i asked the door lady for the last cart and she stared at me for a second and then grumbled all the way back to get me the cart and then stared at me and grumbled some more as i got situated on the cart and pulled away. i was honestly expecting her to flip me off.

people all through the store were staring at me and staring at me feet wondering why i was unable to walk. of course i had to call my friend amber to tell her of all of the hilarity and while i was talking to her about they lady who was dragging her leg she walked past me and smiled. surely this couldn't get any more humiliating right? WRONG!

so we're on our way to the check out stand and i see a man coming straight at me in a REAL WHEELCHAIR. all i could think is, don't look in his direction, don't do it, and why aren't there any lanes open on this side of the store for me to duck into?

the man pulled up right next to me and said, "ma'am what's wrong with your legs?" Awwww CRAP! SERIOUSLY?!?! REALLY?!?!?!! i just wanted to be able to finish my shopping for a change. so i told the other truth about why i was unable to walk through the store. "i have sciatica that is pregnancy induced." i felt super smart and like i may have satisfied his curiosity and i was ready to move on and then he said to me,

"I'M PARALYZED!!!!!!!!"

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT?!?!?!?!?!?! all i could say was "i'm so sorry" and i totally gave him the pity look. i left felling like a total idiot. i feel like it might be best for my ego to go shopping at midnight with the rest of the freaks until i'm 14 months pregnant or 300 lbs. and for my sake lets pray that neither one of those happen. :)

sorry that was sooo long.

the funniest thing i have EVER heard

2008-06-06T08:20:00.003-07:00

a newscaster was giving ideas on how to NOT forget your children in the car this summer to swelter and die.

newscaster: to be sure that you don't leave your children in the car this summer, place something VALUABLE?????? on the seat next to them like your purse or wallet.

i'm even ok with, "place something next to them that you have to take into the store so that you CAN'T forget that they're there.

but VALUABLE? what's more valuable than your child?

i haven't stopped laughing about this for days.

little whispers at the movies today

2008-06-02T16:37:00.003-07:00

tatum: mom can i go to the dr. with you when they take your baby out?

me: no sweety that might be a little scary for you.

tatum: oh, because they have to cut your tummy open?

me: no baby, remember how i told you that the baby comes out?

tatum: oh yeah...are you going to deliver the baby?

me: yup!

tatum: (a little sad) who are you going to deliver the baby to?

hahahaha! she was really worried that we didn't get to keep our baby.

BTW, we will find out june 30th what the sex of the baby is.

summer fun for everyone

2008-05-28T08:56:00.003-07:00

you guys i am so excited about this, it's going to be so much fun!

if you have any questions or need directions just go to the top right corner of my blog and email me or just leave a comment and i'll get you whatever information you need. hope to see you there. :)

We want to announce something fun we are doing this summer for moms and kids down at the Gelato Freeze. Every Wednesday in June & July we will be putting on a little workshop for the kids to decorate their kid's size gelato to look like a different animal each week. We will supply the little candies and such to decorate along with a worksheet for the kids to color and learn about the animal.

It should be a lot of fun. We will hold the workshop from 11:00 am to 4:00 pm each Wednesday.

Hope to see you there!

Amy Raymond

i'm grateful...really i am

2008-05-22T19:25:00.002-07:00

but it is such a weird transition. the weather i mean. it was 110 degrees on monday and at this moment it's 58 degrees and pouring. i LOVE the rain more than i can say and i'm not a huge fan of the heat but this is SOOOO crazy! i've had the air on for a week and tonight we have the heater on. SO WEIRD! the weather people are saying this has been the biggest temp. drop in over 100 years.

for now we're (literally) soaking it all in cause in a couple of days the heat will be back on. enjoy the beauty everyone!

trends photo website

2008-05-22T07:12:00.002-07:00

our new website is up and running. there are still a few bugs that need to be worked out. the music isn't up yet and you'll notice that the side bar with the picture options is running at light speed. that's all going to be fixed soon. hope you enjoy it. :)

http://www.trendsphoto.com

this is HAPPY news

2008-05-21T21:58:00.001-07:00

David Cook :)

P.S.

2008-05-20T09:14:00.002-07:00

i know that baby (to the right) is creepy but it was WAY creepier a couple of weeks ago so that's why i'm putting it up now instead of then. :) so actually you should thank me. hahaha!

so here's the good news

2008-05-20T08:48:00.004-07:00

for those of you who don't know jeff has been working for a pile of dirt/crap company with a hideous boss for the last three years. the worst part is that he was working nights and got to the point where he couldn't sleep during the day so he has been pretty much sleepless over the last three years. when he would travel to his territory he would be gone WAYYYYYYYY to long. don't get me wrong he did make a couple of friends that he wouldn't have made if he didn't work there and honestly we wouldn't have been able to move to arizona if he didn't have that job, so it wasn't completely a waste.

jeff got a new job with a great company, daytime hours, he still gets to work from home, he will travel 1-2 days out of the week and the management really seems to know what they're doing. my favorite part is that he get to sleep in our bed ALL NIGHT LONG. that alarm didn't always wake him up first if you know what i mean. so really i guess this has been 3 sleepless years for both of us.

YEAH FOR SLEEP!

well kind, considering i'm pregnant and we all know how that goes. :)

just about human again

2008-05-18T20:58:00.005-07:00

i felt great today!!!!!!!!!! REALLY! i didn't notice a bit of nausea. i was a bit tired but that's to be expected. i played UNO for an hour with jeff today and totally felt like "stacy" is on her way back. YEAH ME!!!!! :)

now that i've said all of that i hope it stays true and tomorrow is just as good as today was.

wish me luck.

oh and i have some good news to share!

this is going to get REALLY personal

2008-05-10T18:42:00.005-07:00

this weekend was the father and sons camp out for our ward. tristan was so excited to go. so he and jeff left friday morning for their journey. last night a sweet and super fun girl in our ward had a really fun "while the boys are away the girls will play" party. i had the best time! it was really the most fun i've had in months. the girls swam and had the best time and it was just so good for my soul to be with them in this really great and fun environment. we haven't had real fun together in quite some time now.

the woman that came were some of the most fun women in my ward and i was just so in the happy zone. it was exactly what i needed. i have been feeling GREAT and finally well and i was so happy to tell that to everyone who asked how i was doing. IT FELT SO GOOD!

things changed for me at about 2 am. i woke up with the normal urge to pee like all pregnant women do, except to my dismay it wasn't happening. i chose to go lay back down and about an hour later tried to go again. i started to panic as my second attempt failed and tried a few other choice thing to get the job done. let me say that i had a TON to drink at the party and i was now in a TON of pain. with jeff not home and my girls asleep i realized that i was in a really bad situation. i stood in the shower cause i knew that would get me going and still nothing. i fell asleep for an hour and when i woke up the pain was unbearable and my body had started to shake uncontrollably.

i went to the hospital and because i was shaking so hard when i got there they sent me right back and put a catheter in me. i had about a liter and a half of fluid in my bladder. NO WONDER IT HURT SO BAD! to keep this from going much longer i'm just going to say that i have to keep the catheter in for a week they don't know what's really going on but i have an idea. there is no infection so far. i'm really uncomfortable and pretty much a basket case. i know this sound a bit like begging but PLEASE keep me in your prayers i could really use them right now.

i have some amazing and willing friends in my life, some that i have know for years that i can count on for anything and love them more than they will ever understand and someone new that has proven to me time and time again over the last few weeks that she is here for me and happy to be. :) today i put those amazing ladies to use. THANK YOU more than i can express. christine you will never know how much it meant to me to have you there with my jenna on her special day. i was secretly hoping you would stay with her. you are like a mother to my kids and i'm sure she appreciated it too.

HAVE A HAPPY MOTHERS DAY LADIES!

i wanted to share better news

2008-05-03T08:49:00.002-07:00

so this is what i'm dealing with now

http://dermnetnz.org/vascular/erythema-nodosum.html

AND IT HURTS LIKE A MOTHER!

walking is a chore/VERY painful and as one starts to subside three more sprout and the take about six weeks to go away. my loved ones call it strep ancle.

if i could just have something NORMAL!

ahhhh i just remembered i DO have good news. i'm sure most of you already know but the church is building a temple a mile from my house. :) :) this will significantly lower the excuses factor over temple attendance and i'm pretty excited about that.

have a fantastic weekend.

P.S. i want you to know that i read all of your blogs and am hoping to get back to commenting soon. i can only sit at this computer for so long ...it's one of those weird pregnant things. :)

any European requests?

2008-04-24T17:04:00.002-07:00

So since I've been in Europe, Stacy's computer crashed, so she is still alive but not blogging. I think she is having withdrawls and has developed a slight twitch!

I was going to have her put a post to see if there were any special requests from Amsterdam, Belgium, Paris or the UK. Since I'm on my last leg in the UK and ya'll have missed out on those rad waffle sugar thingies, you are left with some options of:

Awesome milk / dark chocolates
Bears with the british flag
Reruns of the Benny Hill Show

If any of you have any requests (I am assuming mostly Swiss chocolate stuff) please put a post here, I'm leaving tomorrow. If you are requesting dark chocolate, the ranges are like 59% dark which is very standard to 85% + which is like eating the inside of your Honda Odyssey tire! Put a post if you want something.

Jeff

P.S. and NO I WON'T BRING BACK HAGGIS OR BLACK PUDDING (AKA... THE AWFUL). If you are eating that stuff, you probably shouldn't be our friends anyways!

this place used to be more fun

2008-04-16T18:04:00.003-07:00

i used to have fun things to talk about but honestly for the last two months there hasn't been the greatest news to share...with one exception of course.

this is our little jelly bean. at the end of the week i will be 9 weeks and it feels like it's been nine years already.

the dr. wanted to do an ultra sound because of my history and the tech says that so far everything looks good and it's heart rate is normal.

you guys, i don't understand abortion. i can understand being afraid for many reasons over pregnancy and my heart goes out to the girls and women who feel that this is their only option. there is no WAY that after seeing what i saw at just 8 weeks gestation that anyone can argue that this is not a person.

there was a tiny heart just beating away in there and every time the tech would move the US machine around the baby would jump as to say, "yeah that's me, i'm right here." clearly responding to the stimulation. it is such an amazing thing to see so early on. only the size of a kidney bean but doing people things, responding. AMAZING!

i am feeling a bit better, though i do have yet another illness and other random things that i won't bore you with but my nausea is nowhere near as bad as it was over the last few weeks.

next time i'm going to share something non-pregnancy and non-sick related. :)

stacy is alive... barely

2008-04-08T16:40:00.007-07:00

hey all. stacy has informed me that she is alive but not terribly social. i took a picture of her this morning so you could know what she is up to. enjoy.

~jeff

*edited by the blog owner* i have NOT thrown up, i DON'T throw up when i'm pregnant but let me tell you, if i knew that barfing would make me feel better i would make it happen. i am miserable all day most days but i have had a few not so yucky moments too and i still stay laying down cause i'm afraid it will go away if i stand up. hahaha! needless to say my house doesn't look good and it sure doesn't smell good...to me anyway. here's something interesting to think about.

pregnant with tristan:
the smell of jeff made me sick

preg. with jenna:
jeff and t made me sick

preg with tatum:
jeff, tristan AND jenna

this one:
everyone including me. not kidding! i can't stand the smell of my own skin. :)

thanks for the flattering portrait jeff. i don't know exactly how i'm going to punish you for that. and he's right, i am super anti-social right now which is way out of character for me. :)

better, non-sick days are ahead i just keep trying to think of those.

2008-03-28T12:35:00.003-07:00

this is a picture that jeff and i had taken just over 10 years ago to go out in our wedding announcements. he had braces and hair (well kinda hair, i made him shave it shortly after this because it was more like a comb over) i had no boobs, skinny arms and the neck of a giraffe.

jeff reminded me this morning that 10 years ago today we got lost on the way to the LA temple in the middle of el nino. (spanish for...the nino. hahaha!) who gets lost on the way to their own wedding? and who gets lost going someplace they've been a million times? apparently us.

i woke up this morning and this was on the bed.

it says:

when we first met i was no "slim jim" and our love was "good & plenty". as the years went on some "hot'n spicy" foods gave our bums the "red hots" and donut pillows soon became our "life savers" we've taken 1,000 of "pictures" of our beautiful family and one more on the way. "actII" of our marriage is upon us with good times ahead. i've not always treated you like a "princess" but know that you are. happy "10th" love your boy, jeff

jeff gave me one of these when we first started dating and we just threw it out when we moved here a year and a half ago. he's a sweet and thoughtful guy.

when i came out to thank him he probably didn't realize that i had tears in my eyes. i didn't get him anything or even think of getting him anything. i felt horrible! i have been in my own selfish world with this sickness and just haven't gotten out to do anything or get anything. we won't be going out either since tatum has what i've had over the last two weeks and woke up this morning with practically no voice and our sweet jenna has a bad case of strep. i think we just need to burn this place down.

happy anniversary my sweet jeff! this has been the LONGEST 10 years of my life. and i'm not kidding! i wouldn't have it any other way. :)

i love you!

happy 10th

2008-03-28T06:57:00.004-07:00

Just wanted to throw a comment out to stacy to let her know that it's been a good 10 years. It's funny, i can all think back to those days of dating and getting married and think back to all of the wonderful times. Years go by and life happens and we've grown together through situations some good and some bad. The foundation never changes and we still have those same things in common as we did when we first met and dated and were married, they just get a bit burried through all of the stuff. So I've been mentally digging some of that up this morning and love it.

In the grand scheme of things, we have three beautiful children and one really strange looking fetus, a great home and good friends. What a terrific 10 years and hopefully we have tons more. you are a great wife and mom and I love you.

Jeff

it's all coming back, it's all coming back to me nooow

2008-03-26T21:11:00.005-07:00

woke up at 5:45 am.

gave jenna ibuprofen.

felt like barfing.

went back to sleep for an hour.

woke up.

felt like i could barf again.

thought fruit might help.

found strawberries.

they were brown and mushy.

almost lost my gelato from the night before.

ahhhhhh i remember this feeling AND I DON'T LOVE IT!

it's on! i officially have morning sickness, or in my case all day and night sickness. it SUCKS but i hear it's a good sign. :)

and the test results are in

2008-03-22T15:58:00.004-07:00

we're having a baby!

considering my miscarriage history i was going to save this news for a later date but jeff keeps telling people so it's gonna get to you somehow. besides, we could use your prayers to keep this one in. we're due nov. 22nd...that seems like a million miles away.

i still can't figure out why i have been SO TIRED! hahahaha! :)

after EVERYTHING.......

2008-03-17T17:37:00.005-07:00

so you read all of the crap from two weeks ago. what you don't know is that i have been BEYOND exhausted ever since. i have NO energy and i sleep at least three hours during the middle of every day. i have self diagnosed myself with mono. hahahah! what other explanation could there be? :) to top it all off i woke up from my nap yesterday SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not super excited about this friends. kinda done actually!

i can say this though, it is the common cold which i can stand compared to what happened to me two weeks ago. in fact i've decided that leprosy would be better than what i had two weeks ago.

i want to thank all of you for your love and concern while i was sick and i especially want to than shane for his advice on how to keep from coughing. it TOTALLY worked. hahahahah! probably my funniest comment ever!

forget toilet papering houses

2008-03-15T11:32:00.002-07:00

i can only imagine that the reason for this is that this person has a really hard time remembering things and their friends are sick of it so they covered the truck in post-it notes so that there were no more excuses.

have you ever seen anything like this? hahahah!

i mean by the looks of this you would think that i live in whitetrashville. this is really one of the funniest things i've seen someone do.

i....am....AMAZING! :)

2008-03-14T22:48:00.003-07:00

i mean really!

i have a passion for saving money and that includes ME cutting my kids hair. i figure if the hair cut is going to SUCK it better be free. am i right?!?!?! i have messed up my sons hair a number of times but i just shave it all off and start over. it's easy that way with boys. :)

with the girls i always start off a little Conservative...JUST IN CASE. you never know if they're going to move or sneeze or start singing, jesus wants me for a sunBEAM! it's a dangerous road but i'm willing to travel it to save money. and quite honestly my blood pressure can't handle the confrontation that will inevitably occur when my kid ends up looking like shemp and i am expected to fork over the cash. it's just not worth it to me.

jenna has been asking for a week for me to cut her hair off, which surprised the heck out of me because the day before she asked me she told me that she wanted her hair long enough to sit on. we have definitely gone the wrong direction for that. anyway, WE DID IT! she wanted it to be as much like mine as i could make it and here it is.

not to shabby for no proper training huh? AMAZING! :)

things to be grateful for........OR NOT!

2008-03-09T17:08:00.004-07:00

THINGS TO BE GRATEFUL FOR:

not chopping my own head off when that's all that i could possibly think of to do to make the pain in my throat go away.
steroid shots to take away the swelling in my throat and glands.
rodent sized portions of food to give me the smallest, and i mean smallest bit of energy.
antibiotics that i think are working cause my tonsils are mostly pink now.
my fever has been gone for a day.

OR NOT:

i'm still grateful that i didn't chop off my head cause that would be disturbing at the dinner table.
the spot on my rear end that still hurts from the steroid shot.
the rodent sized portions of food that i ate that messed up my stomach .
the antibiotics that delivered a much UNAPPRECIATED gift. (only some of you will know what that's about)
and finally, the fever that is now gone has left me with a reminder of its not so welcome visit. two fat fever blisters on my upper lip.

AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREEEEEEEEE!

yep, i'm delirious!

this message has been brought to you by: glass half empty productions.

eight more pounds down....

2008-03-07T17:05:00.005-07:00

and i don't recommend doing it the way that i did. i'm gonna gain it all back when when i start eating again.

i have had the most HIDEOUS case of strep throat this week. i spent a good three day feeling like i was in the twilight zone and haven't completely returned. my house hasn't felt like my house, everything feels like slow motion and i never know what time of day it is when i wake up. i've had a fever every day since tuesday sometimes up to 103. i would get up and walk around like a zombie and would sometimes land in front of the computer just out of habit. i would start reading a post or check my email and be woken up abruptly by the jolt of my head dropping or my foot sliding off the edge of the desk. i'm telling you i felt like a narcolept. i could not keep my eyes open. i've had strep throat but never, NEVER this severe. a hadn't eaten any food until this after nooon when i had some of an apple sauce cup and about a quarter cup of fried rice. rice probably wasnt' the best plan. my bff amber brought me a chocolate shake from jack in the crack. it tasted good but i only got down half of it. lets just say i have been way under my point for the WEEK.

today i was desperate, BEYOND desperate. (it could have something to do with ZERO nutrition) the pain had seriously taken its toll. i called the dr. crying, begging for some kind of shot, anything to take the pain away. no matter what i took my throat still hurt so UNBELIEVABLY bad. here's what i tried.

ibuprofen (i always try that first)
Tylenol with codeine
Tylenol sore throat
Tylenol chest congestion
PERCOCET
i've even gargled lidocane (so nasty and it didn't work)
gargled hot salt water hopping my tonsils would shrivel up like slug. did anyone else torture slugs like that when they were kids? kind of a sick thing to do. but every time i would gargle i would picture shriveling slugs.

NOTHING! none of it worked! i was high as a kite and couldn't hold a conversation with a worm and my throat still hurt like a mother. so back to today...desprate...begging...crying...yadda yadda. so the dr. had me come in and i was there for two hours. they turned off the lights and let me sleep. he gave me a steroid shot and it helped a TON. my throat still hurts but i think the pain in my butt has helped take my mind off the pain in my throat. THANKS DR. LEE! :) really though, it took the swelling down in my throat and that has helped tremendously. i don't have a thick neck but the last couple of days i have had the neck of a football player. my glands were SO swollen. i should say that i went to the dr. on wednesday and got a prescription and it got worse. seriously, my tonsils as i know them were no longer. there wasn't a pink spot in sight. TOTALLY WHITE! i was going to take a picture to share but i figured that would be WAY TMI.

so here's the thing, when i went onto google reader today to check out all of the blogs i stalk there were 51 new posts. don't you people have anything better to do? i have gotten through all of them but i'm gonna be honest here. i am NOT commenting on all of them but there were a couple that had some very interesting posts (kara) that i have to go back too and comment on cause i just have to.

while i've been complaining about myself here i forgot to mentioned that tates got it too but we caught hers before it got to hideous. aaaaaaannnnd my husband is amazing and has taken great care of all of us. i can usually take care of all motherly duties even while sick but this time i am sooooo grateful for a husband who works from home. i love you babe you're the best. i can't wait to be 100% so i can serve you. i think he's getting it too. all work and no sleep is starting to take it's toll.

sorry this was so long. i'm just excited that i made it through without falling asleep.

happy friday!

P.S. i'm apparently not as good as i though cause i just went back and read this and it's pretty lame. and when i did spell check...hahahahahha! most of the things i typed weren't even part of the english language.

one more thing. i have had to wear my night guard on my teeth all day. it seems that while i've been sleeping i have been clinching my teeth from that pain in my throat and my cheeks and tounge just happened to be in the way. so in other words i have giant holes all over the inside of my mouth, so i have to cover my teeth to protect my mouth. and also a georgous fever blister on my upper lip. it doesn't get any better than this friends.

i have the best visiting teacher...EVER!

2008-03-02T19:59:00.002-07:00

i mean REALLY, how supportive is this? if you cant read this it says, "you can do it! hurray healthy! love you! -shelley".

it looked so pretty inside before i started to eat it but as you can see she gave me fruit and yogurt instead of the cookies that she could have brought. i scarfed the cantaloupe first that's why it's not in the picture and the rest didn't last much longer. it was the best snack. shelly thank you so much for being so thoughtful and supportive. FYI it was about 4 pts. :)
we had a huge visiting teaching change today and i hope she still gets to be my VT. everyone on my list is new including my companion but i'm super excited to get to know some ladies a little better. liz you're on my route now and i'm SO excited. :)

and now to leave you with a random thought that is actually repeated regularly in my house "having children is like being pecked to death by chickens". if you ever hear me say that i feel "pecked" that means that i've pretty much HAD IT! i know this had nothing to do with my post but i just wanted to share. :)

7 down 43 to go...

2008-02-26T21:59:00.005-07:00

...pounds that is. let the hard work begin.

a week and a half ago i made the choice to feel better about my self in every way. i think #1 for me has to be to loose this hideous weight that holds me back from doing everything that i want to do...comfortably, anyway. i have always had issues with my body even when i was super skinny. i remember my mom telling me to "appreciate your body now cause once you have kids it'll never be this beautiful again". this couldn't have been more true. i didn't take her advice and i nit picked my body to death.

my father (who i love but he's a little shallow, ok a lot shallow) would always let me know when i looked like i might be 120 instead of 115 and he made it a point do the same to my friends. this still happens. now this isn't a dad bash but i'm just trying to point out where some of my messed up weight issues may have steamed from.

almost ten years ago i married an awesome guy who is a ton of fun and who eventually ended up weighing 400 lbs. i don't know you but sometimes i just want to keep up with the joneses and that, in a way is what i did. obviously i didn't make it to 400 lbs but it is way easier to be fat when you have someone to be fat with.

having said that i recognize that my weight gain is 100% MY FAULT and i take full responsibility. i'm even a little mad at myself for allowing other peoples actions and words to dictate my behavior.

i don't have a portion control problem. for the most part it is about the bad food choices. i have developed a love of foods that are just not good for human consumption. i've always eaten healthfully and was raised by a health nut and was exposed to best, most fresh, natural foods. i love these foods thanks to my mother. not everyone can say that they LOVE the healthy stuff, i can! thanks mom.

last thursday i started back on weight watchers and yesterday i started back at the gym. it feels really good to me to be doing something to make ME better. i have to make it work. i know i can make it work. i'm gonna feel good and i'm gonna look even better.

i have before pictures but i'm not going to share them until i have at least half of my weight off. it was a little shocking for me to "see" myself this way.

i started at (ahhhhhhh this is REALLY putting myself out there) 215 lbs and today (a week and a half later) i am at 208 lbs. my goal is to get to 160 which is a size 9/10 for me and where i was when i got married. i am however not opposed to getting to 150 which was my pre-tristan weight.

first things first though. i need to lose 10% of my body weight for my first goal. that will put me at about 190 which will get me out of the 200's. this is happy news. and i'll just work from there until i reach 160.

i know this was long and boring but it helps me so much to verbalize it this way and i could totally use the support. i'll post again once i've lost my 10%.

HAPPY DAY! :)

i know it's hard to tell in that big dress but this was me, skinny. :)

why......

2008-02-20T18:42:00.003-07:00

....can't my arms and other things look like this. look how tan i was.

bruce, i don't know if i should thank you for sending this or punch you. hahah! i can TOTALLY look like this again. just you wait and see. :)

this was taken pioneer day 2002

who knew that the girl in this picture (letta) would end up being my realtor 4 years later.

now i'm really looking at this picture and in the last 5 1/2 years letta has become more beautiful and i.......well, let's just say i have quite a bit of work to do.