from the other side of the darkness

i felt like it was a good to time to come here and close a chapter of my life. i know that there may be others that are similar in nature but this chapter is CLOSED and i can't say that i'm sad...i'm quite relieved in fact.

i know that i've already said it in my post below but i'm going to elaborate a bit here. in september my ashton buddy was blessed. i was doing so well before this. i felt good and balanced and was content in my crazy life. before my dad and Jeff's mom headed back to California i realized that something was off about me, something didn't feel right. i recognized it and became scared and with tears begged my husband and father for a blessing as i was becoming aware of how fast and furious this all to familiar and unwelcome presence was speeding it's was into my life. sometimes a blessing brings me comfort and other times it's just a reality check...basically a "this is gonna suck but hold on tight and you'll make it though" kind of thing and this one was just that! i don't remember the exact time line or all of the detail in fact after that blessing everything went dark and i mean PITCH BLACK!!!!!! within minuets my surroundings became unfamiliar, my family became strangers and it was then that i realized that my life was no longer my own.

in the weeks following this i found myself asking my husband if the streets seemed the same to him or if everything looked different to him the way that it did to me. i would walk around my house doing things and wonder how i knew where this was or how i knew to put that there. it really was scary it really was dark but the worst part was not being able to connect my brain to my family. logicaly i KNEW my husband was my husband and i KNEW the i gave birth to 5 children and they belonged to me but they seemed so unfamiliar my heart couldn't connect me to them but my head (although a mess) was the only thing that kept me from running away from this foreign place. i remember walking up to tatum who was on the couch and squeezing her arm tight because i thought that it would help me remember her and when it didn't i just looked in her eyes and told her that i loved her because i knew that she need me to say that to her. i was serving people i didn't know. i was doing their laundry, doing their dishes, waking up at night to comfort and soothe them, and when the morning came it was still "dark" in fact i think the mornings were the darkest because they were supposed to be light and it just wasn't, when i woke up i was still in dispare. i would send them off to school and lay face first in my unfamiliar bed and cry painful tears to my heavenly father and beg for him to make me "know" this family, to make my baby stop crying on the bed next to me and to PLEASE stop my 2 year old from screaming "MOOOOOOOOM" one more time from down stairs, i prayed for this to be taken away. i prayed for many, many things but also remembered to say that i understood if this is something that i needed...and then the hysteria would build, i KNEW this was something that i was just going to have to do and because it was so painful and lonely i had a hard time understanding what was ahead of me that i had to feel SO disconnected to the very things that made me who i am. i was truly having a sort of separation disorder. i even considered that one of my children or husband must be dying and this was a preparation.

i tried to protect my family from this, i didn't tell jeff how i had been feeling but when it came to the surface he was shocked and of course he didn't know how to help me...he couldn't, i couldn't even help myself. he set an appointment for me with the bishop (that poor guy knows way too much about me) the bishop gave the name of a great counselor and some amazing women made themselves present in my life. i started taking some medication and it worked quickly to help me to recognize my world again and for that i am MOST grateful!!!! i knew my children and remembered why i married my husband and recognized the house that i had made a home.

i found out why the separation was necessary, and why heavenly father didn't remove it from me. i have been through many hard times as most people have, i have felt desperate and depressed but never have i been so bad that i would have to be medicated as i did this time. i would have never made it out without that help!

our family lost a car and although it was inconvenient and a bit of a shock i was ok. just weeks later we lost our home and had to have our family of 7 moved out of a 2500 sq ft home in 5 days a couple of weeks before christmas. i was a mess but i felt grounded. jeff and i went to see the bishop about our situation and when we got home there were women in my kitchen putting together boxes and loading things in them. both of our parents came out as soon as they heard the news and went searching for places for us to live. we found a place where the kids could still be with friends until we could make a plan to settle down somewhere. it's been tricky moving from 2500 sq ft to just over 1300 sq ft but we are making it.

i can see now that the separation that i experienced was a preparation for things that only an all knowing and loving father in heaven could see. i really feel that if i wasn't medicated through that experience i wouldn't have made it out the way that i did. my depression HAD to get horrible in order to be desperate enough to medicate. i HAD to separate from things to know how painful it could be and it prepared me for leaving my first home, the place that we started a new life together as a family. through that depression and finding my way out i came to realize that all i need is my family and when we moved in to that tiny house together i knew that we would be ok because after all that i had been through i knew that that trial was placed there for me to be able to gain perspective and that i have.

in january i went off of my medication to see if i could do it knowing that if i was slipping back i would just start back up again but guess what...I DID IT!!!! i'm happy and fully capable of dealing with my everyday trials. i am strong and proud of myself when i look at the things that i have been through and overcome. i wish that i could say this will never happen again but i can't. i know however that these experiences are necessary and i have experienced enough heartache to have been able to recognize this even in my darkest hours.

hang in there friends, there is a plan and and sometimes it seems impossible but i promise you will be better for all of the hard things that you experience, we are being refined...it is for our good!!

"Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. … For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process"

a week after the move we went on a family trip and here are a couple of pictures that we took. i'll post about that soon!