from the other side of the darkness

i felt like it was a good to time to come here and close a chapter of my life. i know that there may be others that are similar in nature but this chapter is CLOSED and i can't say that i'm sad...i'm quite relieved in fact.

i know that i've already said it in my post below but i'm going to elaborate a bit here. in september my ashton buddy was blessed. i was doing so well before this. i felt good and balanced and was content in my crazy life. before my dad and Jeff's mom headed back to California i realized that something was off about me, something didn't feel right. i recognized it and became scared and with tears begged my husband and father for a blessing as i was becoming aware of how fast and furious this all to familiar and unwelcome presence was speeding it's was into my life. sometimes a blessing brings me comfort and other times it's just a reality check...basically a "this is gonna suck but hold on tight and you'll make it though" kind of thing and this one was just that! i don't remember the exact time line or all of the detail in fact after that blessing everything went dark and i mean PITCH BLACK!!!!!! within minuets my surroundings became unfamiliar, my family became strangers and it was then that i realized that my life was no longer my own.

in the weeks following this i found myself asking my husband if the streets seemed the same to him or if everything looked different to him the way that it did to me. i would walk around my house doing things and wonder how i knew where this was or how i knew to put that there. it really was scary it really was dark but the worst part was not being able to connect my brain to my family. logicaly i KNEW my husband was my husband and i KNEW the i gave birth to 5 children and they belonged to me but they seemed so unfamiliar my heart couldn't connect me to them but my head (although a mess) was the only thing that kept me from running away from this foreign place. i remember walking up to tatum who was on the couch and squeezing her arm tight because i thought that it would help me remember her and when it didn't i just looked in her eyes and told her that i loved her because i knew that she need me to say that to her. i was serving people i didn't know. i was doing their laundry, doing their dishes, waking up at night to comfort and soothe them, and when the morning came it was still "dark" in fact i think the mornings were the darkest because they were supposed to be light and it just wasn't, when i woke up i was still in dispare. i would send them off to school and lay face first in my unfamiliar bed and cry painful tears to my heavenly father and beg for him to make me "know" this family, to make my baby stop crying on the bed next to me and to PLEASE stop my 2 year old from screaming "MOOOOOOOOM" one more time from down stairs, i prayed for this to be taken away. i prayed for many, many things but also remembered to say that i understood if this is something that i needed...and then the hysteria would build, i KNEW this was something that i was just going to have to do and because it was so painful and lonely i had a hard time understanding what was ahead of me that i had to feel SO disconnected to the very things that made me who i am. i was truly having a sort of separation disorder. i even considered that one of my children or husband must be dying and this was a preparation.

i tried to protect my family from this, i didn't tell jeff how i had been feeling but when it came to the surface he was shocked and of course he didn't know how to help me...he couldn't, i couldn't even help myself. he set an appointment for me with the bishop (that poor guy knows way too much about me) the bishop gave the name of a great counselor and some amazing women made themselves present in my life. i started taking some medication and it worked quickly to help me to recognize my world again and for that i am MOST grateful!!!! i knew my children and remembered why i married my husband and recognized the house that i had made a home.

i found out why the separation was necessary, and why heavenly father didn't remove it from me. i have been through many hard times as most people have, i have felt desperate and depressed but never have i been so bad that i would have to be medicated as i did this time. i would have never made it out without that help!

our family lost a car and although it was inconvenient and a bit of a shock i was ok. just weeks later we lost our home and had to have our family of 7 moved out of a 2500 sq ft home in 5 days a couple of weeks before christmas. i was a mess but i felt grounded. jeff and i went to see the bishop about our situation and when we got home there were women in my kitchen putting together boxes and loading things in them. both of our parents came out as soon as they heard the news and went searching for places for us to live. we found a place where the kids could still be with friends until we could make a plan to settle down somewhere. it's been tricky moving from 2500 sq ft to just over 1300 sq ft but we are making it.

i can see now that the separation that i experienced was a preparation for things that only an all knowing and loving father in heaven could see. i really feel that if i wasn't medicated through that experience i wouldn't have made it out the way that i did. my depression HAD to get horrible in order to be desperate enough to medicate. i HAD to separate from things to know how painful it could be and it prepared me for leaving my first home, the place that we started a new life together as a family. through that depression and finding my way out i came to realize that all i need is my family and when we moved in to that tiny house together i knew that we would be ok because after all that i had been through i knew that that trial was placed there for me to be able to gain perspective and that i have.

in january i went off of my medication to see if i could do it knowing that if i was slipping back i would just start back up again but guess what...I DID IT!!!! i'm happy and fully capable of dealing with my everyday trials. i am strong and proud of myself when i look at the things that i have been through and overcome. i wish that i could say this will never happen again but i can't. i know however that these experiences are necessary and i have experienced enough heartache to have been able to recognize this even in my darkest hours.

hang in there friends, there is a plan and and sometimes it seems impossible but i promise you will be better for all of the hard things that you experience, we are being refined...it is for our good!!

"Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. … For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process"

a week after the move we went on a family trip and here are a couple of pictures that we took. i'll post about that soon!

best laid plans

i should have know, but really how could i have known???

i never should have started my journey to #5 posts until i knew for sure that i was out of the woods. first of all let me introduce my sweet little buddy Ashton. Ashton was born july 24th and was 8 lbs. 1 oz. he's just over 9 weeks old at this point and is SO loved by his family. he has had some tummy trouble so he's been kinda sad. he has also been quite sick and had at least one dr. visit a week since he was 2 weeks old. SAD!!!!

every time i have a baby i know to expect a little postpartum depression. with tristan it was pretty bad and with the 3 girls it was more like the baby blues and was gone in a few weeks. this time as i sat in the hospital on the 3rd day (i was getting ready to be released) i could feel that darkness start to set in. it was too early, i hand never experienced that so soon, usually it started a few days after i got home from the hospital and it was rolling in fast and furious. it wasn't long before i started to feel desperate for a normal existence something, anything that felt familiar or normal. i cried hard and i cried for a long time and i wondered how a pain like this could stop. a couple of long weeks after that i could feel myself healing...i was getting better. i started to feel happiness seep into my soul and for that i couldn't have been more grateful.

i had about 3 weeks where i felt "normal" i guess as normal as one could feel while dealing with the demands of a new born and an almost 3 year old but it was good i tell ya. my relationships with the people in my life felt better and less forced and i was so glad for that. just over a week ago something broke inside of me, something big, something that makes me who i am! AND IT HURTS!!!!! it hurts like nothing i have ever experienced. it's like all of the hurts from over the years never healed and piled one on top of the other like they're waiting in line to be dealt with. FYI i am NOT equipped to deal with you!!!!

i have moments that feel normal but they are very brief and i cry when they disappear because i'm afraid that it'll never come back. i am being suffocated by depression...it's bad and lonely and scarier than anything i have had to go through because it has control over me. i'm missing things, moments that are precious and that i can never get back. i don't want to miss out but i can't make myself be apart of it all. i am a spectator of everything that is happening and i should be a player.

i know that this will get better and that i'll be able to look back on this time and be grateful that i survived but i wish that that alone could bring me hope. the truth is that i don't see and end in sight and i would give anything to see an end. this hurts and i'm afraid of losing the people in my life that i need the most, i hope that they can be patient long enough for me to heal.

please be patient?

p.s. i'm getting help and if you're suffering too so should you!

also if you see me posting on my journey to #5 chances are i'm feeling better. :)

journey to #5 part 1

it was christmas time just after i turned 26 when i realized that something was wrong with my body. i was on my feet all day on a saturday doing my holiday baking, something that i get so excited to do (and now my kids get excited with me). on sunday...the one before chirstmas, i woke up and felt a little strange (saving some details that not everyone would love to know) i had a solo in sacrament meeting, i also was singing in a trio and with the choir. i felt like i could do it so i got ready and was off to church with my husband and 2 babies. after my solo i realized i might not be ok, i started to get lightheaded so i decided that i would sing the trio and the choir didn't really need me anyway so i would just leave. my mom was there so i asked her to take me to the ER. after being check out out they gave a tentative diagnosis and ordered me to go see my OB.

within the next week i picked an new ob and when he checked me he confirmed the diagnosis...i had a uterine prolapse. he counceled me to have a hysterectomy????? i was completely confused and so sad. while i was there his wife and FOUR kids came to see him. i got sick to my stomach when i thought of my 2 children and the siblings that they would miss out on if i followed his advice. i was physicaly uncomfortable but aren't we all a little in one way or another as mothers? i didn't think i was the best mom but i knew that there were more children who chose me and were waiting to be a part of this crazy family for a tough journey and they knew it and they were ready. I WENT ON THE HUNT FOR A NEW OB!!!!

Life

here's me and my family! i got up to 250 lbs. while i was pregnant with addie. i lost a little bit of weight and started to pack it back on due to...well, you read it in my last post. that's a chubby lady right there.

here i am just 5 lbs away from the final 45 lbs. that i lost before the BIG surprise! i still had 15 lbs. to go to get to my goal!

just a few thought before i continue...
it would be awesome if i had more of an interest in my blog. i know i really need to keep this thing up especially since addie has gotten the shaft in the "life recording department" and with baby ashton due to arrive in 3 weeks i really need to do better...they are so worth it and you know what, so am i. my brain isn't as sharp as it used to be and i forget important things all the time. i don't want to forget these exhausting and amazing days that are whizzing by.
so here is what happened after i lost 45 lbs. this is me at 17 weeks. at about 14 weeks the nausea subsided and i felt really great. not something that i had experienced with my two previous pregnancies. i was miserable from start to finish with those two little girls.

this is 25 weeks, just woke up from my sunday after church nap...not lookin too hot so just look at the belly. still feeling great though, i was even able to take the kids to the lake ALL BY MYSELF. that was so amazing for me considering how sick i had been with the last two. i was SO proud of myself and i felt like a real mom who can do stuff! :)

this is 28 weeks! not yet uncomfortable and so excited to finally be in my third trimester.
we found out at 19 weeks that we are having a baby boy. we are naming him ashton james. to say that we were excited to find out that he was a boy would be the understatement of the century. there really are no words to describe the explosion that went off in my chest when the announcement was made. another baby boy to squeeze and kiss. i can't wait to meet this special little boy.

33 weeks!!!!!! i wish i could still report that i feel great but the truth of the matter is i am miserable!!!! about 2 weeks before this picture i started feeling awful and started having anxiety attacks and i mean physically painful anxiety. i'd like to pinpoint exactly what triggered it in this pregnancy but there was so much all at once that it would be impossible to. i have at least 4 a day and they are debilitating. i'm not much of a mom these days and that in itself causes harm to me. it's summer and the kids are home and they need activity and they need ME! jeff no longer works from home so he's not here to be the buffer that i desperately need.

i'm 36 weeks now and being induced in 3 weeks. we all (even the kids) know that this difficult time is almost over and we are hanging in there. i also was diagnosed with gestational diabetes which i know contributes to some of the physical discomfort.
all in all friends this pregnancy has been AMAZING and even though i have suffered for the last month or so i really have been so blessed with the best attitude (mostly) toward the trials that i have been faced with. this boy is a gift to me, a gift like nothing i have ever received, he is special and was meant to be a benintendi.
i can't wait to share Ashton's story...super soon i promise! :)

the truth of the matter

here's an old post from december that i never shared! hmmm! my my my how life has changed since then.

you can always count on me to tell you all of the things you never wanted to know. :)

this is me a couple of months ago (4 lbs lighter than now) i like this person. not just because she looks better and feels better but because of all of the hardships in life that have "refined" her and followed her to this place.

this is me in february of 2010. life had been hard and at times extremely unfair and out of my control. this woman ate because it was one of the only places that joy could be found.

when things became safe in my life i was able to address the fact that the thing that i thought was bringing me joy was actually making me fat and uncomfortable

i've learned that for me when life is hard i need to focus on the the things that i know have to be fixed for life to go on and neglect the rest. well trust me when i say that my weight wasn't even a problem compared to the termoil that i was in. life is not without it's trials today but i am happy to report that my 45 lb. weightloss is proof that my life was free of termoil and i was able to recocognize joy in many other places in my life. i have felt amazing and so in control of me. my life is a much happier place.

WAY too early morning thoughts

i haven't been able to sleep for DAYS! i am so frustrated i don't know what to do with myself. it's 4 am and i have been awake for over an hour. usually when i'm awake it's because i can't turn my brain off and i'm thinking about things that are upsetting. well this time i'm awake for other reasons and my brain is thinking about my sweet kids...who they are and who they're becoming. there are things that i want to remember, things that i put on facebook. at this point facebook doesn't have a way of printing out my status' so about a month or 2 ago i went back quite a bit (they don't make that easy either) and copy and pasted all of the things that i said about my kids or my husband or just the things that i always want to remember. i'm not sad that i put those things on facebook, (even though it has been work to retrieve that stuff)even if i was blogging regularly i don't think that i would log into my blogger account every time the kids said or did something funny and i'm garbage at writing that stuff down.

here are some things that facebook doesn't know:

tristan is turning 11 tomorrow!!!! i can't believe that it's been 11 years since my sweet boy made me a mommy. he is so great! i haven't always felt exactly that way. he is a lot like me and it's never an easy thing to have two of the same people living under one roof. he is so funny and has us laughing all the time. he is maturing in ways that i love and appreciate. i love that we can talk about things freely and comfortably. he is so talented! his dad bought an electric guitar and an amp for his fathers day/birthday and he is teaching him to play. he picks up on music SO FAST! tristan has really taken an interest in ventriloquism. he's getting a 30 in. puppet for his birthday and he knows it, he is so excited...he's good you guys, REALLY good! i know that in just a few short years this boy will become a teenager and not be the cutest but for now i like who he is and that he still lets me love him.

jenna has always been a bit reserved but has really come out of her shell in the last year or so. she is so funny a witty, i love a quick witt. the other day we were in the pool and out of nowhere she said "nice leg warmers mom" now i admit, i hadn't shaved my legs in a month so it was pretty nasty but she came up with it so fast and i couldn't stop laughing. she has LONG, THICK, BEAUTIFUL hair that her 9 year old abilities can't take care of so she is ready to chop it off and donate it. anyone would be lucky to have her hair. i will post pictures when we cut it so you can see what i mean. she is such a great artist, she really produces some beautiful work. she is an AMAZING big sister to addie, i call her the sissy mommy because she just loves on her and takes such good care of her when she is in her care. i love her sweet disposition...really i just love her.

tatum loves to sing and dance, she's good at both! she has a knack for sitting down at the piano and teaching herself how to play a song that she loves...this girl has been doing this since she was 4! it is still always a fun surprise when she does it. sometimes i forget how talented she can be. she is a MAJOR daddy's girl which causes quite a commotion around here in a hundred thousand ways and i don't see that changing any time soon. tatum is also super funny, i guess all of my kids are really. while we were at outback for dinner last night addie put some of their bread in her mouth (it's dark brown) and then put her pacifier in on top of it and the bread was hanging out of her mouth. to that tatum announces, "addie's pooping out of her mouth!" jeff got a picture on his phone and if i remember i will post it here. only one of my kids would even consider saying something like that. her brain is for sure a special one. i love her spunk but not her sass. she has everyone around here afraid of her. her and tristan were having a bit of an encounter and tristan took off up the stairs. she yelled up at him, "yeah, you better run!" i wanted to punish her but jeff and i just laid in our bed and laughed. SO funny!

addie is such a special girl. her favorite things are cheese and ice, she LOVES to drink water and if i could type out the sound that she makes when she is thirsty i would because it is to die for cute. there aren't many thing that aren't cute about that girl. she is so squish and i can't get enough of her goodness. i want her to stay small for a little longer. she keeps growing out of things and i just want to stand still in time for little while with her RIGHT NOW! she is so fun! she says so many words and is SO SMART! i always think my kids are smart but this one is learning so quickly that it absolutely blows my mind. i love the way she smells when she wakes up! if i could bottle that scent i would. she loves me and i know it, i'm pretty sure she knows how crazy i am about her. i just can't get enough! i LOVE my little miss addie!

as much as being awake at this time is AWFUL reflecting on these things and putting them to words was AWESOME!

things are changing around here

yesterday i took the plunge...i told my boy about the birds and the bee's. tristan has know things about our amazing bodies since i was pregnant with addie and over the last couple of years he has asked MANY questions and i had decided long ago that i would would be as honest with my kids as i possibly could about the matters of life.

i remember how it made me feel to start my period and not really know what was happening. i remember hearing about "sex" from the kids at school and pretending like i knew what they were talking about and feeling YUCK about what i had heard. on a side note this is how my mom found out when she was a girl...all on her own, so in her defence letting me figure it out on my own was what she thought was ok to do. i knew that i didn't want that for my kids. i want my kids to be armed with this information. i want them to know that heavenly father created us and planed this whole thing out and that's it's not gross or dirty, that it's such an inspired plan. i don't want ideas swimming around in their little heads. I WANT THEM TO KNOW!!!! and i want to be the one to tell them.

it was a great experience and he said some really cute and some REALLY hilarious things. my favorite thing that he said that i just knew that i need to document was:

THERE ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL ABOUT HE THINGS THAT YOU JUST TOLD ME!

he looked me straight in the face and said it so slow and steady and it made me smile because i knew exactly how he felt but i took comfort in knowing that he was in the safest place to learn such a sacred lesson and now he knows. he knows how babies are made but most importantly he learned it from me.