Thursday, August 20, 2009

how other people see me

i've never been one to worry how other people "see" me. i mean, i understand that i am the kind of person that people really like and have a ton of fun around or they just don't get me and can't stand to be around me because i'm just too much for them. i understand both, i like the first the best but TOTALLY understand the people that i'm too much for and it doesn't hurt my feelings a bit. :)
life has never been easy for me and i am fully aware that most people feel the same of their lives. life can be just plain hard at times. one thing that i have always struggled with is how i look...the other way that people "see" me. in my eyes i have never been cute enough or thin enough and as long as i can remember i have been on some kind of diet...yes, even in theses pics.

that body below wasn't good enough for me. men looked at it and whistled at it as i walked down the street but when i looked at it it made me sad. i have ALWAY said that my best feature is my hair. that is a lot of pressure for a hair stylist because if they mess up i've got nothing. :)

somehow with that hideous body ;) i was able to find a man to marry me and to this very day he has never complained that my body isn't good enough. no matter what size i've been he LOVES my body. what more could i ask for right?

i had babies and gained a little extra weight and was totally uncomfortable in my skin but could still look at myself in the mirror and in pictures. i didn't think much about how people would "see" me i just cared that i was acceptable to me because i was a though audience.

cute huh? Jeff's 30th!

a couple of week ago i went to the gym and did a class where me and my body were staring right back at me. when i look at myself i don't see the parts that are my worst because i ignore them. i know that i won't like them anyway. i know what the scale says and i know it tells the truth but my brain can't think of my body in those #'s
this is me! the me that i don't show everyone on my blog. the me without a child standing in front of me to "cover" up the lbs. that have crept on over the years.

this is my body the way that my husband sees it and takes a picture anyway.

this is me hiding behind my kids and after seeing the picture afterward realizing that i'm not really hiding after all. i'm gonna have to have 3 more kids to help me out with that.

this is how i look when my friends see me. i am so sorry. until i saw this i had no idea what i was exposing you to.
that is how other people really see me and until i saw some of these pictures and some that i just couldn't show you this is how i still saw myself.

i see myself in a dressing room mirror, see myself in the mirror at the gym next to other people, see pictures of myself how i really am not the pose i choose to fake out the camera and the rest of you who can't see the real me from where you are. i have seen me the way that other people see me and i am uncomfortable and embarrassed.


A. Kuhni said...

Stacy, you are way too hard on yourself. I don't think any of your friends look at you and ever see you as anything but beautiful. I understand feeling uncomfortable in our own skin, especially when it has a few extra pounds to fill it up. However, as you should know, friends love one another for what's much deeper inside!

P.S. I think you are one hot mama! And yes, you have great hair.

Crazy Momma said...

Stacy I will not tell you how wrong you are becuase you wont listen anyway. I know because I too have had body issues for my whole life. As much as my husband says I'm the sexiest women he's ever seen you see what you want to see. I hope you know that you are an amazingly beautiful women. You are loved more than a supermodel, cause they don't have your family and friends. Maybe some day we can both get over our stupid body issues.

christine said...

Ok, so I know we had this conversation in a microscopic version yesterday, but I am worried about you. I love you and think you are absolutely stunning! You are simply gorgeous. I have had these same feelings about myself though, so I know where you are coming from. I just don't "see" what you see. I see beauty in you in every way... inside and out! I love you dearly and trust me I can relate, so if you need to vent it you know who to call.
love, me

John and Jada McFarlane said...

Stacy, You are beautiful! I really truly think that! You are the kind of person that makes everyone feel like you are their best friend. I hope you can start seeing yourself the way your friends see you and know that we all think that you are gorgeous!

5littlenordstroms said...

This post hits a little close to home for me at this time in my life too. These things have been on my mind a lot lately. Believe me when I say I know exactly how you feel. I am uncomfortable in my skin too and have recently been more aware of how I look to others as well. For years I still felt like I still looked okay. Not my skinny high school good but for having a lot of kids fast I felt like it was okay, but recently I have notice that it just isn't good anymore. I too hide behind my kids and just to let you know even with 6 kids you still can't hide it. Of course I know that beauty comes from within but I still find it hard to be happy with my body. The thing is that it is hard to be the person I know I can be when I feel so self conscious. I feel torn. I need to find a way to be happy now but also be motivated enough to get healthy and improve on that part of me too. Anyway, I do understand and like everyone else said, you are beautiful and so much more than just a body. You are a loving and wonderful person. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're awesome.

Julz said...

Love the old pics!

Jody said...

Wow. Stacy, we are more alike than you'll ever realize. I've come to learn that this fact is what lies under the Jody that everyone knows. I feel it's my "secret" and it's probably the one charactaristic I honestly hate about myself. I think about it 24/7 and find it SO HARD not to compare myself to others.

Without going into mass detail, I know it's something I have to come to terms with. It's who I am. I'm never going to weigh 115 pounds. I'm never going to have long legs. I'm never going to get that "dancer's stomach" again (unless we win the lottery and I can get some massive surgery) But it's a part of accepting yourself for who you are. It sucks. It's hard. It's emabarrasing. But it's me. And Will and my friends say that's enough. :)

Ali said...

SB, I posted a pic on my blog for you. Come & visit. ;)

Anonymous said...

I must not have seen the invite, I can't view your pictures.


Enjoy Birth said...

I see you as a beautiful friend who I love.

Robyn said...

Stacy, this blog really disturbs me. I hate to hear you be so hard on yourself. I understand your need or want to be healthy, but let's be realistic. You have had 4 children, your a stay at home mom, wife, friend, sister etc. You ARE NOT a movie star who is paid to look great, who has a nanny for each child, and who can go to the gym every day and have personalized meals delivered to you, just so you can look amazingly skinny to have the media critize you. I hate how the media has turned societies perception of what a "mother" should look like. You are picture perfect of a true mother....someone who is beautiful inside and out.

Kathy said...

Okay, you are just preaching to the choir! I feel the same way about my body. Some days I am more okay with it than others. I just tell myself that I sacrificed my body for 5 amazing people. I just hope they appreciate it! Chin up Stacy, you are an amazing and talented person with great hair to boot! :)

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate to this. I have been married to Stacy for those four kids and man has it been hard on me. I mean I've gained weight, am exhausted from her getting in and out of the bed to feed the baby. Everytime she opens the baby's diaper to change it in the middle of the night I wake up. Seriously, it is so difficult. So I can totally relate honey!

I love you and appreciate you and seriously... you are smokin hot. The only thing I would change would be a leg shave every four months. Other than that, you are perfect!


Anonymous said...

Hey Stacy,

You know where I was 18 months ago... 400 Pounds, you have seen where I am at today about 210, and when I look in the mirror all I see is the remenants of my 400 pound self. I hear every day that "You look good", "You are lucky you don't have loose skin" etc... But, they don't see me under my clothes, and I do, every day, and just as I used to avoid the mirror when I was 400, I still avoid the mirror the same way. I have finally come to the realization that unless I can love and accept myself from the inside out, no matter what I will ever look like on the outside, it will never be good enough. Take my mom for example... SO Concerned with outward appearence, not paying any mind to the pain and unhappiness she feels on the inside. Anyways, when I look at you, Jeff, My wife, my family, I honestly don't notice or pay attention to their size, I just know I love the company, love being around family, and Love you for you. I have yet to meet a person who is perfect or flawless or doesn't have a wierd little "Quirk" about them, but personality, compassion, and friendship overshadow all of the small flaws we all have. Ease up on yourself girl, you look great, are a wonderful mom and wife, and try to find happiness within yourself, and the desired result for your outward appearence will be attained in due time... Take care.

Your Bro,
"Uncle Danny"

Shawnah said...

My Dear Stacy,

I have spent my entire life feeling all of the things you've just expressed here, and it makes me so sad that you feel this way about yourself. A valuable lesson I have learned lately is that "weight DOES NOT equal worth". I would also be willing to bet that there isn't one person who knows and loves you that places any value whatsoever on the flaws that only you see in yourself.

You are so much more than a number on a scale, or a few extra pounds from having four gorgeous children. If those are the extra "battle wounds" you have to carry for such a beautiful sacrifice, so be it. You and I are both among the "average sized women in America" and that is a perfectly good place to be... We love you just the way you are, and yes - you have amazing hair! (What I wouldn't give for even HALF of that thickness!)

Lots of Love,

Jill * Zane said...

You are a total plagiarist! Crap, how do you spell that? Ok, and I didn't officially write it down, but it is what is in my head (and apparently 99.999% of every other female noggin). The only thing you didn't say that I would have said is that I want to kick the crud out of skinny girls who complain about their bodies and needing to lose weight. They know who they are. And it's okay if you have body issues, but don't complain around ME!

The gym mirrors are horrible, evil things and when the trainer made me look at myself the other day and I saw my horrible sagging gut (among other things) staring me back in the mirror, I almost hurled. And then I dropped the weights on his toes.

BUT, all that said, you ARE one beautiful lady. I know you weren't fishing for compliments by writing this and your honesty is one of your best qualities. You are as hard on yourself as you are on others. HA!

Your husband still thinks you're beautiful because he knows a truly good thing when he sees it. Just like all of your friends and family. You are amazing. Keep your chin up, keep working at it and don't look at yourself in the gym mirrors anymore!!!

Ali said...

Sent you an invite, let me know if you don't get it. Used the e-mail address at the top of your blog. If that's not a good e-mail address just send me a note to


Enjoy Birth said...

This post has some wonderful links about loving our bodies just the way they are!

Anonymous said...

stacy, i want to first say i love you. and then i want to say i understand. it is hard when reality slaps you upside your head. it is much easier to live in a fantasy.

but i am coming to think that connecting to reality is actually a good thing, even though very painful, it can make you begin to make changes you want to make because you are not living in a fantasy.

i stand side by side with you, with the same problem and the same fears.

but i think you are hot.

Shelly Hanson said...

I'm the "skinny" girl who tries not to get into these conversations because she doesn't want to get her butt kicked by your friends Stac. But you know why we have these body issues! And I do mean we. I may be smaller then you but he messed me up too by making me think that I'd only be loved if I stayed skinny. That's when I got praised. It sucks!

It took being married to Mike for me to realize that although he was first attracted to me physically, he's in love with me spiritually. He loves my friends... love my spirit. when we die, these people who love me will miss my spirit not my smallish waist and great rack! JK!!

Stacy is not the body, Stacy is the spirit. Jeff thinks your body is sexy because it houses your great spirit, it carries, gives birth to, and nurtures your children. That's what your husband, your kids, your friends and myself are in love with.

That's what I've learned for myself. My friends and family love my spirit.

We all do what we want and what we can for the "wrapper" in this life but where does it end up? In a box in the ground. It's just a wrapper. It's not who you are.

Take care of your sweet spirit first and when the time is available you'll take care of the Wrapper!

I love you.